CAP'N BOOTY'S TOYBOX

To every hardcore toy collector chomping at the bit to complete his collection, one thing strikes fear in his immortal soul: The Dreaded Exclusive. Brrrrr! Yes, it eventually happens to every popular toyline. One figure is singled out to be an exclusive, and is sold to one store only. This store can control the amount of production to drive up demand and price, forcing all those obsessive bastards to pay outrageous third party prices. Yes, we have to! It was only a matter of time before the most popular toyline on the market would follow suit: The World of Springfield, by Playmates Toys. Their newest exclusive is Boxing Homer from the episode “The Homer They Fall”. This is a great figure. The head and torso have been reused from the earlier Casual Homer, but now he has a dashing striped pair of boxing trunks and really sweet boots. Homer sure is great. Just one catch. The retailer is Toyfare magazine, a subsidiary of Wizard World Entertainment. Apparently, the Nazi’s escaped Germany after WWII and formed this wonderful company. Not only was the cap’n charged 16-fucking-dollars for a four-dollar action figure, but it took over nine months for it to arrive in my mailbox! It’s literally like Wizard World fucked me, and I had to carry Homer Simpson in my belly for a full-term before I gave birth to him in a rusty moonshine shack in West Virginia. Wizard World didn’t even pay me the courtesy of buying me dinner. Yes, Boxing Homer is another great addition to the line. He gets an 8.4. Also, the CEO of Wizard World should be publicly sodomized with a 10-foot-tall Homer Simpson statue while children throw mayonnaise-covered bologna slices at his bare ass cheeks. That would be worth an 11.