SCROLL NINJA

Once again I find myself flipping through the Rolodex of shit that is my cable system, looking for something, anything slightly entertaining. Nothing. Not even a glimmer of hope from the trusty Cartoon Network, and I missed SpongeBob and Invader Zim. Fuck! My next stop is a chunk of news channels to check out the news scroll. I find that those little blurbs of info are just enough to inform, intrigue, and thoroughly piss me the fuck off. Please note, some of this material may be a bit dated by the time you get this in your grubby little hands. But chances are the same shit will be going on, just with a different spin.
Greta Van Susteren had plastic surgery: Whoopie! She’s still fuckin’ ugly, and she will remain so until they sandblast that mug shot she calls a face from her skull.
Taliban prisoners want rights and comfort: Fuck you and the sob sisters that care about your happiness. Maybe we’ll send that fraud Dr. Phil to hold your hand and throw a quick label on you, like Post-Mass-Murder Depression (PMMD).
Enron president Ken Lay is “truly sorry”: Please burn in hell with all of the other corporate fucks who care nothing for those who work their asses off for your companies.
Director Robert Altman continues to bash America: Pack your shit and take all the money this country gave you with its freedoms and get the fuck out. And take the Baldwins and Richard Gere with you.
Muslim extremists blame Israel and the Jews for everything wrong with the world: Would someone please tell me what the deal is with the Jews? I find them to be delightful people, so why all the playa hatin’?
India and Pakistan are throwing rocks and grenades at each other again: Do they even remember why this shit started? I have an idea: have a barbecue and make up, you skinny bastards.
Bridge players want a shot in the Olympics: What the fuck? One last time for those too stupid to get it: Any game you can play while drinking and smoking is not a sport! Picture it: “The gold medal for bridge goes to Geraldine Chalmers! The grandmother of 13 has done it, despite two plastic hips and bad circulation.” Curling is pushing it. Did anyone watch that shit? It’s hockey crossed with shuffleboard for retards. While we’re at it, horse and dog racing isn’t a real sport either. It’s Wild Kingdom with drunks and gambling.
They are now testing Viagra for women: Way to go, Caligula! I’d settle for a pill that would prohibit her speech while I’m watching Combat Missions.
Geraldo Rivera is in peril: Not nearly enough to suit me. This is the type of shit that--
Oh, wait. Hold on. Invader Zim is on. I love that crazy little alien.