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22 December 2023
This month's installment: Heat
It’s no secret that everyone’s favorite balding North Korean editor-in-chief is actually part Shetland pony. Go ahead: take his shirt off. See for yourself. It’s like Bill Cosby left one of his sweaters here, and Wayne decided to have it permanently adhered to his body. I kid? I wish. Wayne is a hairy motherfucker, though he’s never really had sex with anyone’s mother.
So, would you be surprised if I told you that, come winter, when the colder temperatures are commonplace, Wayne wears as little clothing as legally possible? Yeah, it’s true. Close your eyes, and imagine my day: walking into the editor’s office to turn in another pile of Pulitzer Prize-winning articles, only to be confronted by a Korean sasquatch wearing a John Cena thong. Walk into that office on any given Winter day, and you’re also likely to see Fphatty, Debbie, and the rest of the staff bundled like the dickens, despite there being a perfectly good furnace in the building.
Why? Wayne hates heat. Hates it, almost as much as he hates the sun and sodomy laws. Why is this bad news for you? Because Wayne is a man of action, not just words.
Last year, when the tastes like chicken staff went a-caroling ‘round Christmas time, in the dismal halls of the cancer ward at Columbus Children’s Hospital, Wayne started sweating like Refrigerator Perry in a porno. Taking matters into his own hands, he escaped to the hospital’s basement, and smothered the furnace’s pilot light. The next morning, day shift nurses arrived to a cancer ward frozen from top to bottom. It was as if the hospital were for tiny snow people with cancer.
Then there was the notorious Office Christmas Party of 2002, where, as usual, Wayne decided it was time to get naked. Being that, when nude, he looks like Barkley from Sesame Street, but with shoes, Wayne lowered the thermostat to temperatures kelvin. Three then-staff members died that night. (R.I.P. Norka Burlap, Disco Diego, and Sue Pork. We'll never forget you. Well, maybe Sue.)
And let’s not forget Wayne’s address to the United Nations, where he pleaded to have the sun banned.
Lesson learned: Wayne is not a good Winter friend. Stay away from The Coop until Spring brings some natural, survivable temperatures. Or, if you’re feeling brave, end the hate. Shave this yak while he sleeps, and make him learn to embrace all things warming. I beseech of you.
Tune in next month, when Wayne is guaranteed to hate something else!
It’s no secret that everyone’s favorite balding North Korean editor-in-chief is actually part Shetland pony. Go ahead: take his shirt off. See for yourself. It’s like Bill Cosby left one of his sweaters here, and Wayne decided to have it permanently adhered to his body. I kid? I wish. Wayne is a hairy motherfucker, though he’s never really had sex with anyone’s mother.
So, would you be surprised if I told you that, come winter, when the colder temperatures are commonplace, Wayne wears as little clothing as legally possible? Yeah, it’s true. Close your eyes, and imagine my day: walking into the editor’s office to turn in another pile of Pulitzer Prize-winning articles, only to be confronted by a Korean sasquatch wearing a John Cena thong. Walk into that office on any given Winter day, and you’re also likely to see Fphatty, Debbie, and the rest of the staff bundled like the dickens, despite there being a perfectly good furnace in the building.
Why? Wayne hates heat. Hates it, almost as much as he hates the sun and sodomy laws. Why is this bad news for you? Because Wayne is a man of action, not just words.
Last year, when the tastes like chicken staff went a-caroling ‘round Christmas time, in the dismal halls of the cancer ward at Columbus Children’s Hospital, Wayne started sweating like Refrigerator Perry in a porno. Taking matters into his own hands, he escaped to the hospital’s basement, and smothered the furnace’s pilot light. The next morning, day shift nurses arrived to a cancer ward frozen from top to bottom. It was as if the hospital were for tiny snow people with cancer.
Then there was the notorious Office Christmas Party of 2002, where, as usual, Wayne decided it was time to get naked. Being that, when nude, he looks like Barkley from Sesame Street, but with shoes, Wayne lowered the thermostat to temperatures kelvin. Three then-staff members died that night. (R.I.P. Norka Burlap, Disco Diego, and Sue Pork. We'll never forget you. Well, maybe Sue.)
And let’s not forget Wayne’s address to the United Nations, where he pleaded to have the sun banned.
Lesson learned: Wayne is not a good Winter friend. Stay away from The Coop until Spring brings some natural, survivable temperatures. Or, if you’re feeling brave, end the hate. Shave this yak while he sleeps, and make him learn to embrace all things warming. I beseech of you.
Tune in next month, when Wayne is guaranteed to hate something else!
artid
1880
Old Image
6_4_wayne.jpg
issue
vol 6 - issue 04 (dec 2003)
section
stories