PURE LARD: WALKING ADVERTISEMENTS

Okay, so you know what Pure Lard is by now, right? Some shit that I've been writing every month (or so) since back when you were in short pants, right? Yeah. Now it's in tastes like chicken every month because Insane Wayne Chinsang wants me to keep quiet about his severe anal ras-- I mean, uh,.. it's a good time! Read on!
What kind of a person are you? Not like "good" or "bad" or "stupid" or "smart",.. more like "Batman Fan" or "Spam Eater" or "Weezer Fan" or "Avid As Fuck 'Pure Lard' Reader" or what have you. Yeah, it's not a new idea. People are defined by what they like. Very High Fidelity-- book and/or movie; both terrific-- I know. But it's not a crazy way of thinking by my crazy way of thinking. Most times, when two people are talking, they're both just waiting for the other to shut up so they can give out opinions or tidbits, so as to show who they are and what they're like. No? Just me? Bull horse's ass.
So, what about the busy 21st Century person? We've got jobs and Internet and TV and video games! What time do we have to tactfully bring up in conversation upon conversation our likes and dislikes? Poop. Maybe you do. But I sure as hell don't. Smallville is on tonight, and I ain't got time to actually talk about my favorite band, because I gotta plop my ass down in front of the TV. If I were wearing a Smallville t-shirt, you'd know this.
Ah-hah!!!
Too subtle? Try this: AH-HAH!!!
What if, instead of letting a conversation flow naturally from, say, work to oatmeal to sandwiches to music to Weezer, I, oh, say,.. wore a Weezer t-shirt? Maybe I wouldn't have to go through all that other boring crap to flat out tell you Pinkerton is their best album, or how they're even better in concert! Maybe you'd just see that picture of Rivers and his group of nerds on my chesty t-shirted chest, and know that if I'm wearing the shirt, I must dig the band. You'd think, "This fat fool is a Weezer fan!" Then you'd decide "cool" or "not cool", and all I had to do was wear a getting-too-tight-need-to-stop-eating-so-many-Qdoba-burritos t-shirt!
My family caught onto this idea years ago. "D.J. likes Superman, does he? Still hasn't outgrown that? Well, well, well. Here's a Superman t-shirt! Birthday present dilemma solved! Oh, wait! Here's another one in a different color! Let's just tuck that away until Jesus's birthday!"
At last count, I'd received eight different Superman t-shirts: the classic blue with red and yellow "S", a black one with a gold "S", a yellow one with a blue and white "S", a gray and white camo "S", and even a super-patriotic American flag "S", to name more than a few! After seeing me wear a Superman t-shirt everyday of the week, people know, without asking, that the "big, doughy guy with lock jaw and sad, tired eyes" has a strange obsession with men in tights; Superman in particular!
Good God, man, I cannot stress enough how much easier it is just to advertise your likes on a price-inflated t-shirt than to have to somehow bring up, oh, say, Ben Folds Five or Clerks in a conversation at work about,.. uh, work crap, you know? You see the shirt, you know person wearing said shirt is down.
The opposite can be done with the ironically worn t-shirt. Take Jack Black in High Fidelity-- that flick again-- wearing a Yanni shirt. Irony! He was making fun of that mustachioed creep by wearing his shirt!
Hey, I'm not advocating or condoning being a walking advertisement. I don't believe I'm qualified to advocate or condone anything. But if I can get someone to ask me about my Madman Comics shirt, or, heaven forbid, my "Pure Lard" shirt, I can either find a kindred spirit, or turn someone on to something I like. Entrap them in my web of goodtime geekiness. Sure, I'll be a living ad for shit I like. Helps the shit I like. Helps me find other like-minded people. Covers my womanly chest. Good for everybody.
So bust out your novelty t-shirts, because sometimes you can judge a book by its cover! (Books??? You thought we were talking t-shirts, and all of the sudden I start writing about books and their covers. Off subject? No,.. think about it, duder. Okay, okay. Try this: The "book" being judged by its "cover" is a person, and the "cover" of said "book" is the novelty t-shirt! Get it now? No? Shite, man. I don't know how else to explain it. Read it again, doofus. Damn.)
VISIT D.J. AT PURELARD.NET.