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22 December 2023
BEST MISSPELLING - MACROECONOMICS: Misspelled by Brittney Kaminsky at her sixth grade spelling bee in Madison, Wisconsin. Macroeconomics has three C’s, not two, Brittney, you stupid bitch.
SEXIEST MAN - ABE VIGODA: That Fish is one sexy bitch! And believe it or not he is still alive! At least he was when we printed this.
I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL SHE’S LEGAL - JESSICA TANDY: How any decent, trim-loving man could not fall for a sweet tyke like Jessica Tandy is beyond me. I tell you, the pool scene in Cocoon had me aching to get in the back seat and pile-drive Miss Daisy.
MOST DO-ABLE DEAD WOMAN - JESSICA TANDY: Okay. This is a short notice thing for me because I just found out that Jessica Tandy has been very legal and very dead for quite some time. Oh well. When in Rome,...
OPPRESSIVE POLITICAL REGIME - WOOD
JOEL SCHUMACHER - TIM BURTON: “All I wanted to do was fuck a monkey! I didn’t mean to kill a franchise and waste two hours of your time. Oh well. At least I got to fuck a monkey. Mission accomplished!”
BEST FUDGE PACKER - BRUNO: Keebler’s head cookie-stuffing elf.
WORST SPECIAL EFFECTS IN A FILM - CATS & DOGS: Not because the animals talking wasn’t believable. But because no matter how big of a budget a film has for special effects, it’s never enough to make Jeff Goldblum appear human.
BEST WAL-MART GREETER - FAB MORVAN: A shameful Grammy withdrawal, and the loss of his partner to suicide nearly cost this half of Milli Vanilli his sanity. Now, thanks to hard work, Fab has whipped his life into shape. Yes, he is indeed the best Wal-Mart greeter west of the Mississippi.
ALBUM MOST LIKELY TO CAUSE AN ACCIDENT - IT’S A TIE BETWEEN TOOL’S LATERALUS AND ANY *NSYNC ALBUM: Any self-respecting Tool fan will immediately smash their car into that of any sissy dumb enough to listen to *NSYNC in public.
MOST AMAZING FRECKLE FORMATION - JUST BELOW MY UNCLE’S LEFT PECK: The one that looks like the Virgin Mary wearing a sombrero.
BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS IN A FILM - RICK BAKER FOR THAT THING THAT WORKS AT BIG BEAR: “Thanks, but I didn’t make that thing. I was too busy making monkeys for Tim Burton to cornhole. Try Stan Winston or George Lucas.”
BEST INSANE WAYNE CHINSANG - DEBBIE: This one was a no-brainer.
DOG SWEATER - ED GEIN
BEST BLATANT BERT RIP-OFF - SQUIDWORD: Spongebob Squarepants’ nasally-voiced, anal retentive neighbor is a shameless carbon copy of everyone’s favorite unibrowed Muppet. The only difference is that Frank Oz’s hand isn’t up his ass.
BIGGEST WASTE OF TIME - NEOGEO THE PROPHET'S LIFE
SEXIEST MAN - ABE VIGODA: That Fish is one sexy bitch! And believe it or not he is still alive! At least he was when we printed this.
I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL SHE’S LEGAL - JESSICA TANDY: How any decent, trim-loving man could not fall for a sweet tyke like Jessica Tandy is beyond me. I tell you, the pool scene in Cocoon had me aching to get in the back seat and pile-drive Miss Daisy.
MOST DO-ABLE DEAD WOMAN - JESSICA TANDY: Okay. This is a short notice thing for me because I just found out that Jessica Tandy has been very legal and very dead for quite some time. Oh well. When in Rome,...
OPPRESSIVE POLITICAL REGIME - WOOD
JOEL SCHUMACHER - TIM BURTON: “All I wanted to do was fuck a monkey! I didn’t mean to kill a franchise and waste two hours of your time. Oh well. At least I got to fuck a monkey. Mission accomplished!”
BEST FUDGE PACKER - BRUNO: Keebler’s head cookie-stuffing elf.
WORST SPECIAL EFFECTS IN A FILM - CATS & DOGS: Not because the animals talking wasn’t believable. But because no matter how big of a budget a film has for special effects, it’s never enough to make Jeff Goldblum appear human.
BEST WAL-MART GREETER - FAB MORVAN: A shameful Grammy withdrawal, and the loss of his partner to suicide nearly cost this half of Milli Vanilli his sanity. Now, thanks to hard work, Fab has whipped his life into shape. Yes, he is indeed the best Wal-Mart greeter west of the Mississippi.
ALBUM MOST LIKELY TO CAUSE AN ACCIDENT - IT’S A TIE BETWEEN TOOL’S LATERALUS AND ANY *NSYNC ALBUM: Any self-respecting Tool fan will immediately smash their car into that of any sissy dumb enough to listen to *NSYNC in public.
MOST AMAZING FRECKLE FORMATION - JUST BELOW MY UNCLE’S LEFT PECK: The one that looks like the Virgin Mary wearing a sombrero.
BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS IN A FILM - RICK BAKER FOR THAT THING THAT WORKS AT BIG BEAR: “Thanks, but I didn’t make that thing. I was too busy making monkeys for Tim Burton to cornhole. Try Stan Winston or George Lucas.”
BEST INSANE WAYNE CHINSANG - DEBBIE: This one was a no-brainer.
DOG SWEATER - ED GEIN
BEST BLATANT BERT RIP-OFF - SQUIDWORD: Spongebob Squarepants’ nasally-voiced, anal retentive neighbor is a shameless carbon copy of everyone’s favorite unibrowed Muppet. The only difference is that Frank Oz’s hand isn’t up his ass.
BIGGEST WASTE OF TIME - NEOGEO THE PROPHET'S LIFE
artid
83
Old Image
4_5_millenniums.swf
issue
vol 4 - issue 05 (jan 2002)
section
cover story