admin
22 December 2023
In a strange break with tradition, Bork will be starting this month’s edition of "Now Playing" instead of yours truly, good ol’ #716. Borkus, I bestow unto thee the mantle of Player One. Use it wisely.
Player One: Wo Ist Das Bork?
Ohoohoohoo! Sweet Seraphim, sweet, sweet Seraphim! My darlin', how I do love thee.
Ahem,.. uh, sorry. #716 made me do that because he beat me in a game of thumb-wrestling. Anyway, WARHAMMER! Play it! Now. Seriously. It's fun at the beach, man.
Here's the scoop: This game is a hard-hitting first-person shooter with the ability to completely engross you into its story. You play as an alien named Kais, and your enemy is the human race. You heard me! Kill us all, motherfucker! The game starts out kind of like Medal of Honor: Allied Assault did, by throwing you straight into a hellish battlefield! My Broncosaurus, I got into this shit so much that I remember seeing some of my dead Comrades, and I actually said out loud to them, "I am sorry you had to die. I will avenge your death." Yeah, I'm a dork.
That's all I'm gonna say for the one player mode. This game also features an online multiplayer mode, as well. For me, it is a 50/50 success. For one thing, it only allows broadband users, which is fine for me, but not for those who don't have it. However, due to that restriction, the online graphics, frame rate, and game play are amazing! Every so often I'll see a lady with very low, droopy tits, and it fills my heart with sorrow. That's how I felt when I found out that the multiplayer mode does not have as many levels or weapons as in the one player mode. Also, sadly, not many people are playing this game online.
All in all, this game is as sweet as some Monkey Fairy Dust! I suggest you do what you can to play it.
Player Two: Staff Member #716
That whole thumb-wrestling thing Bork was talking about? Lies. I beat him in a game of Russian Roulette. Get it straight, dude.
I’m glad Das Bork, the Ebert of our group, gave this game a big whoppin’ thumbs up, because the skinny gay dead guy (myself,.. wait, what?) is gonna have to point his thumb at the floor on this one.
My gripes about the game, though, aren’t really so much about Warhammer itself, but about the genre of first-person shooters in general. I’ve never found a controller setup I’ve really liked on PlayStation 2 for games like this, and it seriously detracts from the fun of a game when you have to stop and think about what button you need to press. I’m sure that if I practiced long enough I would get used to one setup or another, but as of right now, me playing this game looks a lot like an infant trying to walk. EXAMPLE: An enemy approaches me from the left. Nine times out of ten, rather than aiming to the left and shooting him, I sidestep left and shoot until I’m finally close enough that one of my bullets connects.
Games like this need to have some type of standardized control scheme; otherwise, you have to relearn the controls with every new game. On the old school NES, the "A" button was “jump” and "B" was “attack” on just about every game ever made. Anybody remember trying to play a game where the "B" button made you jump? Remember how much you hated it? Even with first-person shooters on the N64, most games gave you the option to use the Turok button setup. Warhammer needs to have a control scheme that, at the very least, slightly emulates the N64 controller. Then I’d be ready to kick some ass.
Apart from that, this game is pretty decent. The graphics are sharp, the enemies are pretty cool, and the storyline should please all the Warhammer dorks who have been playing the board games for years, with their little figurines they bought at the comic shop. I’ll take The N64’s Perfect Dark as my first-person fix any day of the week, but Warhammer is okay, I guess.
But I get to pick the game next month.
PURCHASE THIS OR SIMILAR ITEMS
Player One: Wo Ist Das Bork?
Ohoohoohoo! Sweet Seraphim, sweet, sweet Seraphim! My darlin', how I do love thee.
Ahem,.. uh, sorry. #716 made me do that because he beat me in a game of thumb-wrestling. Anyway, WARHAMMER! Play it! Now. Seriously. It's fun at the beach, man.
Here's the scoop: This game is a hard-hitting first-person shooter with the ability to completely engross you into its story. You play as an alien named Kais, and your enemy is the human race. You heard me! Kill us all, motherfucker! The game starts out kind of like Medal of Honor: Allied Assault did, by throwing you straight into a hellish battlefield! My Broncosaurus, I got into this shit so much that I remember seeing some of my dead Comrades, and I actually said out loud to them, "I am sorry you had to die. I will avenge your death." Yeah, I'm a dork.
That's all I'm gonna say for the one player mode. This game also features an online multiplayer mode, as well. For me, it is a 50/50 success. For one thing, it only allows broadband users, which is fine for me, but not for those who don't have it. However, due to that restriction, the online graphics, frame rate, and game play are amazing! Every so often I'll see a lady with very low, droopy tits, and it fills my heart with sorrow. That's how I felt when I found out that the multiplayer mode does not have as many levels or weapons as in the one player mode. Also, sadly, not many people are playing this game online.
All in all, this game is as sweet as some Monkey Fairy Dust! I suggest you do what you can to play it.
Player Two: Staff Member #716
That whole thumb-wrestling thing Bork was talking about? Lies. I beat him in a game of Russian Roulette. Get it straight, dude.
I’m glad Das Bork, the Ebert of our group, gave this game a big whoppin’ thumbs up, because the skinny gay dead guy (myself,.. wait, what?) is gonna have to point his thumb at the floor on this one.
My gripes about the game, though, aren’t really so much about Warhammer itself, but about the genre of first-person shooters in general. I’ve never found a controller setup I’ve really liked on PlayStation 2 for games like this, and it seriously detracts from the fun of a game when you have to stop and think about what button you need to press. I’m sure that if I practiced long enough I would get used to one setup or another, but as of right now, me playing this game looks a lot like an infant trying to walk. EXAMPLE: An enemy approaches me from the left. Nine times out of ten, rather than aiming to the left and shooting him, I sidestep left and shoot until I’m finally close enough that one of my bullets connects.
Games like this need to have some type of standardized control scheme; otherwise, you have to relearn the controls with every new game. On the old school NES, the "A" button was “jump” and "B" was “attack” on just about every game ever made. Anybody remember trying to play a game where the "B" button made you jump? Remember how much you hated it? Even with first-person shooters on the N64, most games gave you the option to use the Turok button setup. Warhammer needs to have a control scheme that, at the very least, slightly emulates the N64 controller. Then I’d be ready to kick some ass.
Apart from that, this game is pretty decent. The graphics are sharp, the enemies are pretty cool, and the storyline should please all the Warhammer dorks who have been playing the board games for years, with their little figurines they bought at the comic shop. I’ll take The N64’s Perfect Dark as my first-person fix any day of the week, but Warhammer is okay, I guess.
But I get to pick the game next month.
PURCHASE THIS OR SIMILAR ITEMS
artid
1957
Old Image
6_5_nowplaying.jpg
issue
vol 6 - issue 05 (jan 2004)
section
entertainmental