admin
22 December 2023
I FEEL THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO THE FUTURE OF AMERICA, AND WILL CHANGE ALL WHO READ IT. I WROTE IT ALL BY MYSELF, AND IT IS 100% TRUE.
Do you have squirrels? I do. They live in my backyard. I'm only on a first-name basis with three of them: Slappy, my favorite, who's been there from the start; Skinny, Slappy's malnourished compadre; and Whitey, the rarely seen, white-chested old-timer of the bunch. Sometimes they bring lots of their friends around, but I'm only acquainted with those three. Usually, I feed them stale bread or cereal. Sometimes, if I'm feeling generous, I'll toss out some stray pasta and potatoes. Mostly it's bread, though. Bread and nuts. I don't understand what the squirrels are saying to me, because I'm not familiar with their native language. Occasionally, I can read their body language or facial expressions, but most of the time our interactions with one another are based on complete stabs in the dark. Then, one day, they started communicating with me psychically. It was weird, but the squirrels started sending me messages as I slept by way of dreams. They gave me some insight into their species' evolution. Basically, in the near future, squirrels will be evolving into humanoid creatures. The difference between the Squirrel People, and, say, your average Joe, will be the small, virtually undetectable bony growths on the small of the Squirrel People's backs. That's where their tails would have been, had they not been Squirrel People. The Squirrel People are really smart, too. And creative. Not only will they master our complex English language, but they will also gain prominence as masters of Advertising and Graphic Design. And fellas, get ready, because the Squirrel People have some real lookers among them. When they were sharing all of this with me in the psychic nether regions, I found myself macking on a Squirrel Girl before I even knew she was one! While they'll initially migrate to more popular Canadian cities, where diversity is more easily accepted, they will eventually find their way to our golden American shores. And I will be there, arms open wide, ready and willing to embrace our new Squirrel friends.
Do you have squirrels? I do. They live in my backyard. I'm only on a first-name basis with three of them: Slappy, my favorite, who's been there from the start; Skinny, Slappy's malnourished compadre; and Whitey, the rarely seen, white-chested old-timer of the bunch. Sometimes they bring lots of their friends around, but I'm only acquainted with those three. Usually, I feed them stale bread or cereal. Sometimes, if I'm feeling generous, I'll toss out some stray pasta and potatoes. Mostly it's bread, though. Bread and nuts. I don't understand what the squirrels are saying to me, because I'm not familiar with their native language. Occasionally, I can read their body language or facial expressions, but most of the time our interactions with one another are based on complete stabs in the dark. Then, one day, they started communicating with me psychically. It was weird, but the squirrels started sending me messages as I slept by way of dreams. They gave me some insight into their species' evolution. Basically, in the near future, squirrels will be evolving into humanoid creatures. The difference between the Squirrel People, and, say, your average Joe, will be the small, virtually undetectable bony growths on the small of the Squirrel People's backs. That's where their tails would have been, had they not been Squirrel People. The Squirrel People are really smart, too. And creative. Not only will they master our complex English language, but they will also gain prominence as masters of Advertising and Graphic Design. And fellas, get ready, because the Squirrel People have some real lookers among them. When they were sharing all of this with me in the psychic nether regions, I found myself macking on a Squirrel Girl before I even knew she was one! While they'll initially migrate to more popular Canadian cities, where diversity is more easily accepted, they will eventually find their way to our golden American shores. And I will be there, arms open wide, ready and willing to embrace our new Squirrel friends.
artid
89
Old Image
4_5_squirrel.swf
issue
vol 4 - issue 05 (jan 2002)
section
stories