SWEATPANTS

SWEATPANTS: SOCIAL BLIGHT OR THE ANSWER TO OVERPOPULATION?
For the longest time, I thought sweatpants were just an err in taste thrust upon pregnant women, flea market vendors and fans of Dragon Ball Z. Recently, though, I realized that these stretchy cotton trousers are the key to getting rid of people I don't like or give two shits about. Just the other day, I noticed a man on the street wearing a camouflage jacket and some baggy gray sweatpants. After a good 20 seconds of intense thought, I knew that this stranger must be going home to kill himself. Like any other man of Greek descent, I had come to understand that the willingness to wear sweatpants in public was a tell-tale sign of utter hopelessness. But then I started thinking about how beneficial these tight and crusty nut-huggers could be. Just imagine how many unwanted political leaders we could get rid of by simply outfitting them with government issued sweats. Hey, kids! Is that bully bugging you? Next time you're in gym class, remind him how fat and stupid those pants make him look. He'll handle the rest. Plus, think of all the wars sweatpants could end! All we'd need to do is ship an anonymous gift of 10,000 sweatsuits to the opposing military force. They've got more than enough ammo to take themselves out. And they might even rack up a few civilian casualties for us while they're at it! Refugees, Oprah Winfrey, NASCAR fans-- there would be no limit to the awesome eliminating power of sweatpants. It would be so sweet! Uh--wait a minute. I own a pair of sweatpants. Oh shit.