MUSINGS OF A MISANTHROPE

There is something I've been wanting to say for quite some time, so to hell with formalities: there is no point in being nice. No point at all. And believe me, I'm not alone in my view; I even have a website that gets quite a few hits to prove it. Now, before you jump up and call me fucking Lucifer, let me elaborate. When I say nice, I don't mean kindness. I'm talking about full-fledged niceness! I'm not a mass-murderer, so calm down. But can you think of anything more middle class than being nice? I start seething when I see those teenage nit-wits with smiles painted across their gorgeous faces. And those girls are nice. God, that's as obvious as the acne on their boyfriends' faces. What are they being nice for? Where the hell did this idea of being nice come from anyhow? Just for kicks, I looked up the derivation of that nasty little word in my dictionary. I will have you know that it comes from Middle English: simple-minded; Old French: silly; Latin: ignorant. So, the next time Fred tells you you're the nicest guy in the world, you can spit in his face. I'll tell you where being nice will get you absolutely nowhere: fame. Ah, that caught your attention. You want to be famous, do you? How unfortunate that you don't possess the talent of a Rivers Cuomo or Ellen von Unwerth. But thanks to the downfall of standards in modern society, there are ways around this. Hell, it even works out in your favor. Do you really think that being nice will land you on the cover of every national newspaper? Don't be stupid. Perhaps you don't want to be accused of embezzling money from a Fortune 500 company, but it really is the only way. What you've got to do is take your last scraps of morality and sell them to the tabloids as the last morals in existence. You'll make a mint! After you've done away with those pesky things, you've got to play dumb. Take off your clothes and be photographed for the world to see. I don't know anyone nice who would do that. Do you? By now you are probably convinced that I am depraved. But I don't care too much, so just let me go on. Let's look to history to prove my point: The Marquis de Sade. I wouldn't call anything he did nice, would you? Caligula wasn't nice. But when in Rome, do as the Romans do. What about Lenin? Well, he's a touchy subject, so I'll move on. It ought to be noted that unfavorable deaths befell all three people, but that has nothing to do with anything. And I beg your pardon if you think I'm a parasite who speaks in the first person and wears black. I much prefer gray. Now, I'm almost finished, so you can stop foaming at the mouth. Let's take a few of your idols as an example. Do you think they are nice? Don't be naive! Go to Hollywood. You won't find nice there. A $10 million dollar paycheck doesn't come cheap, and nice has nothing to do with it. And don't think for one minute that the celebrity of your choice is going to fawn all over you because you salivated over their autograph. You're just a cog in the machine. I could go into some didactic discourse on nations that aren't nice, but I suspect you are on the floor by this point. Hopefully I've made some indelible mark that will not be wiped off as soon as you turn on the television, but I highly doubt it.