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22 December 2023
THEY'RE NOT CELEBRITIES. THEY WALK PAST YOU ON THE STREET, BRING YOU YOUR FOOD AT A RESTAURANT, AND LIVE IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD. THEY'RE EVERYDAY PEOPLE. JUST LIKE YOU.
APRIL 2004: PATRICK KIRKBRIDE
HIS NAME’S PATRICK KIRKBRIDE. HE’S D.J. KIRKBRIDE’S BRO. HE WORKS AT THE BIGGEST COLLEGE IN THE UNIVERSE, PROTECTS OUR GREAT NATION, AND EXCELS AT NINTENDO. HE'S ALSO NOT EASILY AMUSED, AS D.J. FINDS OUT IN THIS INTERVIEW THAT GOES EVERYWHERE FROM ZELDA TO DUBYA BEING RETARDED.
D.J.: Is it too late to interview?
Patrick: I guess not.
D.J.: If it is, I can call back.
P: No.
D.J.: Really?
P: I’m fine.
D.J.: Are you sure?
P: Kinda.
D.J.: Sweet! Are you playing GameCube? What are you playing?
P: Zelda.
D.J.: Do you feel like you’re doing well?
P: No. I’m kinda stuck.
D.J.: I’m so sorry.
P: I’m just runnin’ around, doing other things than what I’m actually supposed to be doing.
D.J.: Is it an overhead game, like the old school one? Or is it all 3-D shit?
P: 3-D.
D.J.: Is it still cool?
P: Yeah.
D.J.: Is Link wearing white tights?
P: No. Green.
D.J.: Oh! He’s wearing green tights?
P: Yeah.
D.J.: That’s weird.
P: Actually, they may not even be tights.
D.J.: He has green legs?
P: No. He does have white tights on!
D.J.: Yeah. He always wears white tights. Except back before he had legs, in the first one.
P: (laughs)
D.J.: Legless. So, how was work?
P: A tragedy.
D.J.: What happened?
P: Oh, nothing specific. Just general tragedy at work. We have new students checking in this week, so it’s real busy.
D.J.: At Ohio State University, where you’re employed in the Office of International Education?
P: Oh, yeah! That’s where I work. And will go to school for my master's soon.
D.J.: So, you’ll check yourself in?
P: Nah. I only do the foreigners.
D.J.: Talk about the foreigners. What do you do with foreigners?
P: I advise them about immigration regulations. Those are my responsibilities, as it were.
D.J.: And you keep terrorists out, too, right?
P: I’m on the frontline of Homeland Security’s... um... "Terrorist Action Plan". I dunno.
D.J.: How do you help us? How do you keep "them" out?
P: We have a big computer database, and we keep track of "them". Their whereabouts. All their movements. Whether or not they’re enrolled full-time or not, because, you know, if a college student isn’t full-time, they could be committing acts of terror.
D.J.: (laughs)
P: You know, while not in school. So fear any college student who is not full-time.
D.J.: You’re not gonna be full-time.
P: But I work, so that means I can’t do terror.
D.J.: Oh! Right.
P: And I’m a citizen, I guess.
D.J.: Are you playing video games while you talk?
P: Yes.
D.J.: Very talented.
P: Not really. (in a strange, pointless British accent) I do it a lot. I really do.
D.J.: This won't be very professional, by the way.
P: Okay.
D.J.: I am sober, though.
P: That’s good.
D.J.: I did that for you.
P: Right now, I’m trying to find a fish.
D.J.: Huh?
P: Because in each section of the map there’s a fish that pops up and tells you about the area you are in.
D.J.: Oh.
P: Little secret you might not figure out on your own.
D.J.: It's just, like, a regular fish?
P: A video game fish.
D.J.: Does he float?
P: Yeah.
D.J.: In the water or in the air?
P: Oh, in the water. When you give him bait he jumps out of the water, and writes on your map for you.
D.J.: How?
P: He has a pen in his mouth.
D.J.: Are you shitting me? That’s weird. Ever think about how downright strange video games are? Like on Mario Bros., with all the mushrooms and Princess Toadstool and stuff?
P: (ignoring D.J.) Every time you get a fish, they talk to you and say, "'Kay."
D.J.: Like "okay" without the "o"?
P: Right. Here, he’s gonna do it.
(PATRICK PUTS THE PHONE UP TO THE TV)
Zelda Fish: ‘Kay!
P: Did you hear it?
D.J.: What the fuck?
P: That’s what it does when it talks to you.
D.J.: That’s awesome! I’m gonna do that when I talk to people. "'Kay!"
P: "'Kay!" Yeah.
D.J.: Good times. So, you visited me not too long ago, and we went to Chicago. Remember that?
P: Oh, yeah. I totally remember!
D.J.: What the hell were you doing emailing me the iTunes gift certificate?
P: I just wanted to give you something for letting me stay with you. For all the trouble.
D.J.: Right. So much trouble. It’s really nice. I have two emails now, though.
P: Two emails?
D.J.: Yeah. You just sent one, right?
P: Yeah, I did!
D.J.: I think there’s the same code on both of them, actually.
P: I hope so.
D.J.: I’ll get every Led Zeppelin song!
P: I’ll have to check on that and make sure they didn’t charge me twice.
D.J.: I think the code’s the same on both. I gotta get on that. Get me some iTunes tunes.
P: It’s the wave of the future.
D.J.: So, when we went shopping at H&M in Chicago you bought clothes. You worn any to work?
P: Yeah. I wore the shirt with the squares on it.
D.J.: That looked pretty good on you. People like it?
P: Yeah, actually.
D.J.: Got some compliments?
P: Yep. Lynn, this woman who works there, she’s probably... I’m not sure how old she is. She’s definitely older than mom, but not very much, though. A little bit.
D.J.: Interesting.
P: Maybe she’s, like, ten years older. She was like, “Why are you all dressed up today?” And I’m like, “I’m not dressed up. I just got a new shirt.” I guess she’s used to seeing the ratty clothes I normally wear.
D.J.: Like every other day?
P: Heh. Yeah.
D.J.: Let’s backtrack a little bit, Patrick.
P: Okay.
D.J.: I’ve known you since I can remember.
P: Oh, really?
D.J.: Yes. And I know I’ve told you this before. I have a bad memory. But my first memory? Do you know this?
P: Ummm... with the green stairs?
D.J.: Yes. Crawling up the green stairs, wondering what the fuck is going on, and seeing your fat, little baby ass. In the... the, uh... I was about to say "in the apron", but I meant "in the crib"!
P: (laughs)
D.J.: Why in the hell would I call it an apron?
P: Are you sure you’re not drunk?
D.J.: Yeah! I’m very tired, though.
P: Okay.
D.J.: So, what was it like growing up with me as your big brother?
P: I dunno. I guess it was... just like growing up with a big brother.
D.J.: Yeah, but it was me. Think about that.
P: Yeah. I don’t know. I really don’t have anything to compare it to.
D.J.: So there isn’t anything comparable?
P: I don’t have any other big brothers.
D.J.: (fishing for compliments) Would you say it was pretty amazing, though?
P: It was... spectacular.
D.J.: Yeah.
P: I got a fish.
D.J.: You got a fish.
P: Yeah.
D.J.: Dude, remember when we used to play "Teamwork"?
P: I do.
D.J.: What the hell was that? What was that game? What’d we do?
P: I dunno.
D.J.: We'd say "teamwork"?
P: Yeah. Like, one of us was in trouble, doing something; like falling between the walls of the bunk bed. And then we’d help the other one out.
D.J.: (laughs) And that was teamwork?
P: And that was teamwork. That was a way to pass the time.
D.J.: That is a great, great memory. I’m so glad I still have that.
P: Me, too.
D.J.: Oh! Here’s another memory! Let me see if you remember this one. (laughs) Remember the time we were eating hard-boiled eggs in Elyria [Ohio], watching Zorro, The Gay Blade?
P: Um... no.
D.J.: (laughs) Well, we were watching it, and I reached for your egg, and you took a swing at me!
P: Oh!
D.J.: (laughs) And scratched my eye!
P: Oh, yeah! I didn’t know that was why.
D.J.: I’m assuming it involved food. (laughs) I’m imagining it right now. I reach for your egg, and you’re like, "Hey!"
P: I don’t remember why I did that. I remember that story.
D.J.: You scratched my eye, and I had to get an eyepatch.
P: I remember the eyepatch.
D.J.: I never injured you, though, did I?
P: Only emotionally.
D.J.: That’s weird; brothers always have stories like, “We were rough housing,” but we never really hurt each other.
P: Not really.
D.J.: Like our stepdad, Greg, and Jeff (Greg's older brother). I think Jeff almost killed Greg several times, you know?
P: Yeah.
D.J.: They dropped bricks on each other and stuff.
P: Sounds like a fantastic idea.
D.J.: I’m glad we didn’t do that.
P: I think we were... I don’t want to say too sheltered, because I don’t think we were sheltered. But maybe we were just too smart for that.
D.J.: (laughs)
P: I dunno.
D.J.: And with our younger sister, Kelly, we never fought.
P: We just taunted each other.
D.J.: With Kelly, it was sometimes like psychological warfare.
P: “There was abuse in my family, but it was mostly musical in nature.”
D.J.: What’s that from?
P: A Mighty Wind.
D.J.: Ah.
P: Oop!
D.J.: What? Did you get a fish?
P: No. Something just blew up in my face.
D.J.: Damn, dude.
P: I know. I hate it.
D.J.: That’s harsh.
P: It’s loud.
D.J.: So, what’ve you been up to in Columbus, Ohio, besides playing Nintendo?
P: That’s really about it. I don’t do that much. Sometimes I’ll go see a movie if there’s one worth seeing.
D.J.: What’s the last movie you saw?
P: The Fog Of War.
D.J.: Oh, yeah. You said that was pretty good, but not huge.
P: I think if I had more context or knowledge of the historical time period, I would’ve gotten more out of it. It’s still interesting. I love documentaries.
D.J.: Yeah. You love documentaries. And you’re into politics a little bit. See how I’m segueing?
P: (pauses) Um... what?
D.J.: Never mind. Did you vote for Bush?
P: Absolutely not. Not many people did, really.
D.J.: Touché. What will you do if he gets reelected?
P: It depends on what’s going on in my life at that point, which is only a few months from now.
D.J.: Exactly. What if you're playing Nintendo and working at OSU when he gets reelected?
P: I probably wouldn't change anything, because I want to milk my job for a free master’s degree before I leave.
D.J.: Sound thinking. So, you wouldn’t move to Canada or France or something?
P: Not yet. I probably would once I got my degree.
D.J.: Even if he doesn’t get reelected?
P: I still want to move to France. I don’t want to move to Canada that much. That’s just a last resort thing.
D.J.: If you can’t afford to go to France?
P: No. Just if things get too unbearable here. In this country. Canada’s better. I mean, according to Michael Moore in Bowling For Columbine.
D.J.: Seems like a little Shangri-la going on in Canada.
P: Yeah. They had the former Prime Minister of Canada on Real Time With Bill Maher. She was a hoot.
D.J.: Yeah?
P: Yep. A hootenanny.
D.J.: She was funny?
P: She was smart. She wasn’t a retard, like our president.
D.J.: Mmmm. A retard. You think Dubya is a little slow?
P: Yes.
D.J.: There’s no doubt in your mind?
P: He’s definitely not the sharpest tool in the shed. I don’t know if he’s actually “retarded”. I think your IQ has to be, like, 70 or below to be retarded. His IQ is probably a little higher than that. He probably got D’s and F’s in school.
D.J.: I think he got C’s.
P: C’s?
D.J.: And proud of it. Because he’s an average guy!
P: Well, if that’s your theory, then more power to you.
D.J.: But he shouldn’t be president.
P: Yeah.
D.J.: When he was running, a friend of mine was like, “I like him because he’s just a normal guy, and he got C’s and stuff. If he can be president, I can be president.”
P: See, that’s not what it’s all about.
D.J.: First of all, my friend shouldn’t be president. And he got better grades than Bush, anyway. Also, you know, he’s not an "average guy". His dad was head of the CIA, and president.
P: Yeah. He’s not average. People who say that are just deluded. He’s average, intelligence-wise. I mean, a lot of people are--
D.J.: Because it’s the “average”.
P: Yeah. But he didn’t have the average life. Bill Maher was talking about how Bush always talks about the "Washington insiders", and how he’s not one of 'em. And Bill Maher’s like, “I think the most inside you can get is being president. He needs to stop saying that.”
D.J.: (laughs)
P: Because he is a Washington insider. He has been.
D.J.: I’d think you’d have to be, being the son of a president, and president yourself.
P: Yeah.
D.J.: Sweet. So, you used to tap dance?
P: (sighs) Yeah.
D.J.: Remember any moves?
P: Some.
D.J.: They’re just ingrained, and you can still bust 'em out?
P: A few things. I was never that good.
D.J.: You didn’t do it that long.
P: I took lessons for less than a year.
D.J.: Could you put the phone by your feet and do a little move?
P: No.
D.J.: Why not? A little soft shoe?
P: I have carpet. You wouldn’t be able to hear it.
D.J.: It’d be funny to imagine you doing it, though.
P: And I’m lazy.
D.J.: Ah, fuck that. Never mind. I’m sorry.
P: It wouldn’t be that funny. (laughs)
D.J.: Yesterday when I called you, and we weren’t able to do the interview, remember that? You ordered pizza.
P: I did!
D.J.: Where did you order it from?
P: Pizza Hut.
D.J.: What’d you get?
P: Pepperoni Lovers.
D.J.: Was it good?
P: I enjoyed it.
D.J.: What size?
P: Medium.
D.J.: Did you eat it all?
P: I ate three or four pieces yesterday.
D.J.: You fat, fucking pig.
P: And then I ate the rest for dinner today.
D.J.: That’s good. Don’t let it go to waste.
P: No way!
D.J.: Oh, man. I should’ve warned you before we started, I’m recording this.
P: Oh, you are?
D.J.: Is that okay?
P: I guess.
D.J.: Kinda watch what you’re gonna say.
P: What am I gonna say? (laughs)
D.J.: I have no idea.
P: That’s true. I don’t either.
D.J.: Because I can’t predict what you’re gonna answer when I ask you, like, I dunno, what’s your favorite color? Purple.
P: Oh, yeah. Purple.
D.J.: Shit.
P: You know that one.
D.J.: Bad example.
P: But I do like blue. If you’d said blue, I probably would’ve agreed.
D.J.: It's a toss-up?
P: Yeah. I like cool colors.
D.J.: You’re a Winter?
P: I’m a Winter.
D.J.: Have you ever grown a goatee?
P: Yeah.
D.J.: Did I see you?
P: Probably. It was for that Halloween party where I dressed up like Corky.
D.J.: Oh, Corky St. Clair from Waiting For Guffman. Yeah, that was a pretty good goatee.
P: Yeah. That was only for a month, but--
D.J.: You wouldn’t grow one just to have one?
P: No. I don’t like facial hair that much.
D.J.: Oh, really?
P: Really.
D.J.: Not even mustaches?
P: Absolutely not. The only reason I’d ever have facial hair is if I got so lazy in my life that I couldn’t even manage to shave. As long as that doesn’t happen-- I mean, I hope it doesn’t, because that’d be devastating to my life. I wouldn’t want to move or stand up and walk. If I ever got that lazy it’d be a bad situation.
D.J.: I dunno. Probably someone could hand you a Nintendo remote.
P: Yeah. But what about food?
D.J.: And bedsores.
P: Bedsores. Right.
D.J.: That’d be disgusting.
P: Bad.
D.J.: How many times a day do you brush your teeth?
P: Twice, most days.
D.J.: At least twice, right?
P: Unless I’m getting lazy, too. Sometimes when I come home drunk I don’t feel like brushing my teeth.
D.J.: You're fucking kidding me.
P: No. Sometimes I’m just like, “Nope. I’m going to bed.”
D.J.: Gross. How many times a week would you say you come home drunk?
P: (laughs) Not that many. Maybe... I wouldn’t say even once a week. Probably once every two weeks.
D.J.: Oh, really?
P: I used to drink more, but now I’m, you know... I don’t know why I don’t!
D.J.: Well, good for you. I mean, it’s expensive.
P: That’s probably part of it.
D.J.: Empty calories.
P: I don’t care about that.
D.J.: Addiction.
P: I’m not concerned about that. I don’t think I could ever be an alcoholic.
D.J.: Why not?
P: Seems like it’d be too much work.
D.J.: (laughs)
P: To do it all the time? No. Then you’d have to start hiding it, finding places to hide the bottles. And I’d have to take it to work with me. I don’t wanna do that.
D.J.: What’s your favorite TV show?
P: I don’t really watch much right now. I really like South Park.
D.J.: I thought that’s what you were gonna say.
P: I happened to watch an episode not too long ago.
D.J.: Was it pretty funny?
P: Yeah. It was a good one.
D.J.: This is what’s weird, because I’m thinking of how I thought this interview would be an opportunity to learn more about my brother. But I already knew your favorite color and TV show.
P: Yeah.
D.J.: I don’t know what I can learn about you.
P: Yeah. That, and The Simpsons.
D.J.: So, you like cartoons?
P: Yep.
D.J.: You are a cartoon.
P: Yeah.
D.J.: Remember that weird TV personality named Mr. Cartoon?
P: When he came to Waverly [Ohio]?
D.J.: Did we go? Did we have to dress up?
P: I did. I just had some weird mask.
D.J.: Did I go?
P: I don’t know. I think you did.
D.J.: Wonder what I dressed up like?
P: I don't know. I had this weird mask that was just the top half of the head. It didn’t cover your whole face. There was elastic at the bottom to attach it to your chin, and the mask covered the top part of your face.
D.J.: Wouldn’t it be funny if we weren’t supposed to dress up? Like we were the only ones who dressed up?
P: Um.
D.J.: Can you say for a fact that wasn’t the case?
P: That definitely wasn’t the case. Everybody did. It was like a Halloween thing.
D.J.: Okay. What was the name of his creepy sidekick? The green guy?
P: Don’t remember that.
D.J.: Like Beeper or Beep. Beep. I don’t know what the fuck. Remember Slim Goodbody?
P: Yeah.
D.J.: That’s scary.
P: Kinda gross.
D.J.: If you were going out to a restaurant, what food would you order if price wasn’t an issue? What would you get?
P: I eat out so much, it’s a chore to think about what I want to eat.
D.J.: (laughs)
P: I can never decide, because either everything sounds good, so I don’t care, or I don’t feel like eating anything. So, again, I don’t care. Honestly, I guess the two things I like eating all the time, without exception, are pizza and ice cream. And I could eat those at any point, really.
D.J.: Me, too. I know what you speak of.
P: Just like magic.
D.J.: Pizza.
P: Magic pizza.
D.J.: When’s the last time you talked to Mom?
P: A couple weeks ago.
D.J.: You should call her.
P: I know. (laughs)
D.J.: Is there anything you want to say to the people who might read this? Who have gotten this far?
P: Not really.
D.J.: It’s your soapbox, man.
P: I don’t want a soapbox.
D.J.: How come they haven’t made a Zelda movie yet?
P: That is so true. I’m very ambivalent about it.
D.J.: Really? Well, who would you cast to play Link? Ignoring your ambivalence?
P: I can’t ignore what’s so much a part of me. Who’d play Link? Are we talking the adult Link, or the little elf-child Link?
D.J.: To be a purist, it’d have to be the little kid. But I think the older one would make a better movie. Because the little kid would be like Episode I; that piece of shit. I’d say early to mid-twenties.
P: I don’t know. Who would wear green tights and a floppy hat?
D.J.: A lot of people. Debbie St. Sinclair wears ‘em all the time. Orlando Bloom would be okay. But he’s already played Legolas in The Lord Of The Rings, so it’d kind of be the same thing.
P: I don’t know. Link has to be blond.
D.J.: Orlando was blond as Legolas. But I wouldn’t do it if I were him. Know who shouldn’t play Mario and Luigi?
P: Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo?
D.J.: Exactly. That’s some shit. Bad news, bears. So, what would you say to little Patrick? If six-year-old Patrick were here right now?
P: I’d say, “Stop eating.”
D.J.: (laughs)
P: No. I actually wouldn’t say that, because, you know, I ended up not being fat. But that could’ve happened.
D.J.: Maybe if someone had said something like that to you, it would’ve made you compulsively eat more. Do you love me?
P: Yeah.
D.J.: Ah-ha! I’ve never asked anyone that in an interview.
P: Really?
D.J.: I think you’re the first one who would’ve said yes.
P: Because you’re my brother.
D.J.: Do dogs have souls?
P: I don’t know about souls. I don’t know if anybody has them. If any living thing has a soul. That’s not my strong suit.
D.J.: That’s why I asked. How about this: do dogs have lips?
P: Yes.
D.J.: Why?
P: Because lips are the things that cover your teeth, and make up what your mouth is. People have weird lips, really. People are the freak shows when it comes to lips. Most animals have lips, but they’re not all turned out and bright pink. Or whatever color your lips happen to be.
D.J.: Right now, my lips are more of a burgundy. But that’s the lipstick I’m wearing.
P: (long pause)
D.J.: Thanks for your time, Patrick.
P: No problem.
D.J.: Good luck on Zelda.
P: Thanks.
APRIL 2004: PATRICK KIRKBRIDE
HIS NAME’S PATRICK KIRKBRIDE. HE’S D.J. KIRKBRIDE’S BRO. HE WORKS AT THE BIGGEST COLLEGE IN THE UNIVERSE, PROTECTS OUR GREAT NATION, AND EXCELS AT NINTENDO. HE'S ALSO NOT EASILY AMUSED, AS D.J. FINDS OUT IN THIS INTERVIEW THAT GOES EVERYWHERE FROM ZELDA TO DUBYA BEING RETARDED.
D.J.: Is it too late to interview?
Patrick: I guess not.
D.J.: If it is, I can call back.
P: No.
D.J.: Really?
P: I’m fine.
D.J.: Are you sure?
P: Kinda.
D.J.: Sweet! Are you playing GameCube? What are you playing?
P: Zelda.
D.J.: Do you feel like you’re doing well?
P: No. I’m kinda stuck.
D.J.: I’m so sorry.
P: I’m just runnin’ around, doing other things than what I’m actually supposed to be doing.
D.J.: Is it an overhead game, like the old school one? Or is it all 3-D shit?
P: 3-D.
D.J.: Is it still cool?
P: Yeah.
D.J.: Is Link wearing white tights?
P: No. Green.
D.J.: Oh! He’s wearing green tights?
P: Yeah.
D.J.: That’s weird.
P: Actually, they may not even be tights.
D.J.: He has green legs?
P: No. He does have white tights on!
D.J.: Yeah. He always wears white tights. Except back before he had legs, in the first one.
P: (laughs)
D.J.: Legless. So, how was work?
P: A tragedy.
D.J.: What happened?
P: Oh, nothing specific. Just general tragedy at work. We have new students checking in this week, so it’s real busy.
D.J.: At Ohio State University, where you’re employed in the Office of International Education?
P: Oh, yeah! That’s where I work. And will go to school for my master's soon.
D.J.: So, you’ll check yourself in?
P: Nah. I only do the foreigners.
D.J.: Talk about the foreigners. What do you do with foreigners?
P: I advise them about immigration regulations. Those are my responsibilities, as it were.
D.J.: And you keep terrorists out, too, right?
P: I’m on the frontline of Homeland Security’s... um... "Terrorist Action Plan". I dunno.
D.J.: How do you help us? How do you keep "them" out?
P: We have a big computer database, and we keep track of "them". Their whereabouts. All their movements. Whether or not they’re enrolled full-time or not, because, you know, if a college student isn’t full-time, they could be committing acts of terror.
D.J.: (laughs)
P: You know, while not in school. So fear any college student who is not full-time.
D.J.: You’re not gonna be full-time.
P: But I work, so that means I can’t do terror.
D.J.: Oh! Right.
P: And I’m a citizen, I guess.
D.J.: Are you playing video games while you talk?
P: Yes.
D.J.: Very talented.
P: Not really. (in a strange, pointless British accent) I do it a lot. I really do.
D.J.: This won't be very professional, by the way.
P: Okay.
D.J.: I am sober, though.
P: That’s good.
D.J.: I did that for you.
P: Right now, I’m trying to find a fish.
D.J.: Huh?
P: Because in each section of the map there’s a fish that pops up and tells you about the area you are in.
D.J.: Oh.
P: Little secret you might not figure out on your own.
D.J.: It's just, like, a regular fish?
P: A video game fish.
D.J.: Does he float?
P: Yeah.
D.J.: In the water or in the air?
P: Oh, in the water. When you give him bait he jumps out of the water, and writes on your map for you.
D.J.: How?
P: He has a pen in his mouth.
D.J.: Are you shitting me? That’s weird. Ever think about how downright strange video games are? Like on Mario Bros., with all the mushrooms and Princess Toadstool and stuff?
P: (ignoring D.J.) Every time you get a fish, they talk to you and say, "'Kay."
D.J.: Like "okay" without the "o"?
P: Right. Here, he’s gonna do it.
(PATRICK PUTS THE PHONE UP TO THE TV)
Zelda Fish: ‘Kay!
P: Did you hear it?
D.J.: What the fuck?
P: That’s what it does when it talks to you.
D.J.: That’s awesome! I’m gonna do that when I talk to people. "'Kay!"
P: "'Kay!" Yeah.
D.J.: Good times. So, you visited me not too long ago, and we went to Chicago. Remember that?
P: Oh, yeah. I totally remember!
D.J.: What the hell were you doing emailing me the iTunes gift certificate?
P: I just wanted to give you something for letting me stay with you. For all the trouble.
D.J.: Right. So much trouble. It’s really nice. I have two emails now, though.
P: Two emails?
D.J.: Yeah. You just sent one, right?
P: Yeah, I did!
D.J.: I think there’s the same code on both of them, actually.
P: I hope so.
D.J.: I’ll get every Led Zeppelin song!
P: I’ll have to check on that and make sure they didn’t charge me twice.
D.J.: I think the code’s the same on both. I gotta get on that. Get me some iTunes tunes.
P: It’s the wave of the future.
D.J.: So, when we went shopping at H&M in Chicago you bought clothes. You worn any to work?
P: Yeah. I wore the shirt with the squares on it.
D.J.: That looked pretty good on you. People like it?
P: Yeah, actually.
D.J.: Got some compliments?
P: Yep. Lynn, this woman who works there, she’s probably... I’m not sure how old she is. She’s definitely older than mom, but not very much, though. A little bit.
D.J.: Interesting.
P: Maybe she’s, like, ten years older. She was like, “Why are you all dressed up today?” And I’m like, “I’m not dressed up. I just got a new shirt.” I guess she’s used to seeing the ratty clothes I normally wear.
D.J.: Like every other day?
P: Heh. Yeah.
D.J.: Let’s backtrack a little bit, Patrick.
P: Okay.
D.J.: I’ve known you since I can remember.
P: Oh, really?
D.J.: Yes. And I know I’ve told you this before. I have a bad memory. But my first memory? Do you know this?
P: Ummm... with the green stairs?
D.J.: Yes. Crawling up the green stairs, wondering what the fuck is going on, and seeing your fat, little baby ass. In the... the, uh... I was about to say "in the apron", but I meant "in the crib"!
P: (laughs)
D.J.: Why in the hell would I call it an apron?
P: Are you sure you’re not drunk?
D.J.: Yeah! I’m very tired, though.
P: Okay.
D.J.: So, what was it like growing up with me as your big brother?
P: I dunno. I guess it was... just like growing up with a big brother.
D.J.: Yeah, but it was me. Think about that.
P: Yeah. I don’t know. I really don’t have anything to compare it to.
D.J.: So there isn’t anything comparable?
P: I don’t have any other big brothers.
D.J.: (fishing for compliments) Would you say it was pretty amazing, though?
P: It was... spectacular.
D.J.: Yeah.
P: I got a fish.
D.J.: You got a fish.
P: Yeah.
D.J.: Dude, remember when we used to play "Teamwork"?
P: I do.
D.J.: What the hell was that? What was that game? What’d we do?
P: I dunno.
D.J.: We'd say "teamwork"?
P: Yeah. Like, one of us was in trouble, doing something; like falling between the walls of the bunk bed. And then we’d help the other one out.
D.J.: (laughs) And that was teamwork?
P: And that was teamwork. That was a way to pass the time.
D.J.: That is a great, great memory. I’m so glad I still have that.
P: Me, too.
D.J.: Oh! Here’s another memory! Let me see if you remember this one. (laughs) Remember the time we were eating hard-boiled eggs in Elyria [Ohio], watching Zorro, The Gay Blade?
P: Um... no.
D.J.: (laughs) Well, we were watching it, and I reached for your egg, and you took a swing at me!
P: Oh!
D.J.: (laughs) And scratched my eye!
P: Oh, yeah! I didn’t know that was why.
D.J.: I’m assuming it involved food. (laughs) I’m imagining it right now. I reach for your egg, and you’re like, "Hey!"
P: I don’t remember why I did that. I remember that story.
D.J.: You scratched my eye, and I had to get an eyepatch.
P: I remember the eyepatch.
D.J.: I never injured you, though, did I?
P: Only emotionally.
D.J.: That’s weird; brothers always have stories like, “We were rough housing,” but we never really hurt each other.
P: Not really.
D.J.: Like our stepdad, Greg, and Jeff (Greg's older brother). I think Jeff almost killed Greg several times, you know?
P: Yeah.
D.J.: They dropped bricks on each other and stuff.
P: Sounds like a fantastic idea.
D.J.: I’m glad we didn’t do that.
P: I think we were... I don’t want to say too sheltered, because I don’t think we were sheltered. But maybe we were just too smart for that.
D.J.: (laughs)
P: I dunno.
D.J.: And with our younger sister, Kelly, we never fought.
P: We just taunted each other.
D.J.: With Kelly, it was sometimes like psychological warfare.
P: “There was abuse in my family, but it was mostly musical in nature.”
D.J.: What’s that from?
P: A Mighty Wind.
D.J.: Ah.
P: Oop!
D.J.: What? Did you get a fish?
P: No. Something just blew up in my face.
D.J.: Damn, dude.
P: I know. I hate it.
D.J.: That’s harsh.
P: It’s loud.
D.J.: So, what’ve you been up to in Columbus, Ohio, besides playing Nintendo?
P: That’s really about it. I don’t do that much. Sometimes I’ll go see a movie if there’s one worth seeing.
D.J.: What’s the last movie you saw?
P: The Fog Of War.
D.J.: Oh, yeah. You said that was pretty good, but not huge.
P: I think if I had more context or knowledge of the historical time period, I would’ve gotten more out of it. It’s still interesting. I love documentaries.
D.J.: Yeah. You love documentaries. And you’re into politics a little bit. See how I’m segueing?
P: (pauses) Um... what?
D.J.: Never mind. Did you vote for Bush?
P: Absolutely not. Not many people did, really.
D.J.: Touché. What will you do if he gets reelected?
P: It depends on what’s going on in my life at that point, which is only a few months from now.
D.J.: Exactly. What if you're playing Nintendo and working at OSU when he gets reelected?
P: I probably wouldn't change anything, because I want to milk my job for a free master’s degree before I leave.
D.J.: Sound thinking. So, you wouldn’t move to Canada or France or something?
P: Not yet. I probably would once I got my degree.
D.J.: Even if he doesn’t get reelected?
P: I still want to move to France. I don’t want to move to Canada that much. That’s just a last resort thing.
D.J.: If you can’t afford to go to France?
P: No. Just if things get too unbearable here. In this country. Canada’s better. I mean, according to Michael Moore in Bowling For Columbine.
D.J.: Seems like a little Shangri-la going on in Canada.
P: Yeah. They had the former Prime Minister of Canada on Real Time With Bill Maher. She was a hoot.
D.J.: Yeah?
P: Yep. A hootenanny.
D.J.: She was funny?
P: She was smart. She wasn’t a retard, like our president.
D.J.: Mmmm. A retard. You think Dubya is a little slow?
P: Yes.
D.J.: There’s no doubt in your mind?
P: He’s definitely not the sharpest tool in the shed. I don’t know if he’s actually “retarded”. I think your IQ has to be, like, 70 or below to be retarded. His IQ is probably a little higher than that. He probably got D’s and F’s in school.
D.J.: I think he got C’s.
P: C’s?
D.J.: And proud of it. Because he’s an average guy!
P: Well, if that’s your theory, then more power to you.
D.J.: But he shouldn’t be president.
P: Yeah.
D.J.: When he was running, a friend of mine was like, “I like him because he’s just a normal guy, and he got C’s and stuff. If he can be president, I can be president.”
P: See, that’s not what it’s all about.
D.J.: First of all, my friend shouldn’t be president. And he got better grades than Bush, anyway. Also, you know, he’s not an "average guy". His dad was head of the CIA, and president.
P: Yeah. He’s not average. People who say that are just deluded. He’s average, intelligence-wise. I mean, a lot of people are--
D.J.: Because it’s the “average”.
P: Yeah. But he didn’t have the average life. Bill Maher was talking about how Bush always talks about the "Washington insiders", and how he’s not one of 'em. And Bill Maher’s like, “I think the most inside you can get is being president. He needs to stop saying that.”
D.J.: (laughs)
P: Because he is a Washington insider. He has been.
D.J.: I’d think you’d have to be, being the son of a president, and president yourself.
P: Yeah.
D.J.: Sweet. So, you used to tap dance?
P: (sighs) Yeah.
D.J.: Remember any moves?
P: Some.
D.J.: They’re just ingrained, and you can still bust 'em out?
P: A few things. I was never that good.
D.J.: You didn’t do it that long.
P: I took lessons for less than a year.
D.J.: Could you put the phone by your feet and do a little move?
P: No.
D.J.: Why not? A little soft shoe?
P: I have carpet. You wouldn’t be able to hear it.
D.J.: It’d be funny to imagine you doing it, though.
P: And I’m lazy.
D.J.: Ah, fuck that. Never mind. I’m sorry.
P: It wouldn’t be that funny. (laughs)
D.J.: Yesterday when I called you, and we weren’t able to do the interview, remember that? You ordered pizza.
P: I did!
D.J.: Where did you order it from?
P: Pizza Hut.
D.J.: What’d you get?
P: Pepperoni Lovers.
D.J.: Was it good?
P: I enjoyed it.
D.J.: What size?
P: Medium.
D.J.: Did you eat it all?
P: I ate three or four pieces yesterday.
D.J.: You fat, fucking pig.
P: And then I ate the rest for dinner today.
D.J.: That’s good. Don’t let it go to waste.
P: No way!
D.J.: Oh, man. I should’ve warned you before we started, I’m recording this.
P: Oh, you are?
D.J.: Is that okay?
P: I guess.
D.J.: Kinda watch what you’re gonna say.
P: What am I gonna say? (laughs)
D.J.: I have no idea.
P: That’s true. I don’t either.
D.J.: Because I can’t predict what you’re gonna answer when I ask you, like, I dunno, what’s your favorite color? Purple.
P: Oh, yeah. Purple.
D.J.: Shit.
P: You know that one.
D.J.: Bad example.
P: But I do like blue. If you’d said blue, I probably would’ve agreed.
D.J.: It's a toss-up?
P: Yeah. I like cool colors.
D.J.: You’re a Winter?
P: I’m a Winter.
D.J.: Have you ever grown a goatee?
P: Yeah.
D.J.: Did I see you?
P: Probably. It was for that Halloween party where I dressed up like Corky.
D.J.: Oh, Corky St. Clair from Waiting For Guffman. Yeah, that was a pretty good goatee.
P: Yeah. That was only for a month, but--
D.J.: You wouldn’t grow one just to have one?
P: No. I don’t like facial hair that much.
D.J.: Oh, really?
P: Really.
D.J.: Not even mustaches?
P: Absolutely not. The only reason I’d ever have facial hair is if I got so lazy in my life that I couldn’t even manage to shave. As long as that doesn’t happen-- I mean, I hope it doesn’t, because that’d be devastating to my life. I wouldn’t want to move or stand up and walk. If I ever got that lazy it’d be a bad situation.
D.J.: I dunno. Probably someone could hand you a Nintendo remote.
P: Yeah. But what about food?
D.J.: And bedsores.
P: Bedsores. Right.
D.J.: That’d be disgusting.
P: Bad.
D.J.: How many times a day do you brush your teeth?
P: Twice, most days.
D.J.: At least twice, right?
P: Unless I’m getting lazy, too. Sometimes when I come home drunk I don’t feel like brushing my teeth.
D.J.: You're fucking kidding me.
P: No. Sometimes I’m just like, “Nope. I’m going to bed.”
D.J.: Gross. How many times a week would you say you come home drunk?
P: (laughs) Not that many. Maybe... I wouldn’t say even once a week. Probably once every two weeks.
D.J.: Oh, really?
P: I used to drink more, but now I’m, you know... I don’t know why I don’t!
D.J.: Well, good for you. I mean, it’s expensive.
P: That’s probably part of it.
D.J.: Empty calories.
P: I don’t care about that.
D.J.: Addiction.
P: I’m not concerned about that. I don’t think I could ever be an alcoholic.
D.J.: Why not?
P: Seems like it’d be too much work.
D.J.: (laughs)
P: To do it all the time? No. Then you’d have to start hiding it, finding places to hide the bottles. And I’d have to take it to work with me. I don’t wanna do that.
D.J.: What’s your favorite TV show?
P: I don’t really watch much right now. I really like South Park.
D.J.: I thought that’s what you were gonna say.
P: I happened to watch an episode not too long ago.
D.J.: Was it pretty funny?
P: Yeah. It was a good one.
D.J.: This is what’s weird, because I’m thinking of how I thought this interview would be an opportunity to learn more about my brother. But I already knew your favorite color and TV show.
P: Yeah.
D.J.: I don’t know what I can learn about you.
P: Yeah. That, and The Simpsons.
D.J.: So, you like cartoons?
P: Yep.
D.J.: You are a cartoon.
P: Yeah.
D.J.: Remember that weird TV personality named Mr. Cartoon?
P: When he came to Waverly [Ohio]?
D.J.: Did we go? Did we have to dress up?
P: I did. I just had some weird mask.
D.J.: Did I go?
P: I don’t know. I think you did.
D.J.: Wonder what I dressed up like?
P: I don't know. I had this weird mask that was just the top half of the head. It didn’t cover your whole face. There was elastic at the bottom to attach it to your chin, and the mask covered the top part of your face.
D.J.: Wouldn’t it be funny if we weren’t supposed to dress up? Like we were the only ones who dressed up?
P: Um.
D.J.: Can you say for a fact that wasn’t the case?
P: That definitely wasn’t the case. Everybody did. It was like a Halloween thing.
D.J.: Okay. What was the name of his creepy sidekick? The green guy?
P: Don’t remember that.
D.J.: Like Beeper or Beep. Beep. I don’t know what the fuck. Remember Slim Goodbody?
P: Yeah.
D.J.: That’s scary.
P: Kinda gross.
D.J.: If you were going out to a restaurant, what food would you order if price wasn’t an issue? What would you get?
P: I eat out so much, it’s a chore to think about what I want to eat.
D.J.: (laughs)
P: I can never decide, because either everything sounds good, so I don’t care, or I don’t feel like eating anything. So, again, I don’t care. Honestly, I guess the two things I like eating all the time, without exception, are pizza and ice cream. And I could eat those at any point, really.
D.J.: Me, too. I know what you speak of.
P: Just like magic.
D.J.: Pizza.
P: Magic pizza.
D.J.: When’s the last time you talked to Mom?
P: A couple weeks ago.
D.J.: You should call her.
P: I know. (laughs)
D.J.: Is there anything you want to say to the people who might read this? Who have gotten this far?
P: Not really.
D.J.: It’s your soapbox, man.
P: I don’t want a soapbox.
D.J.: How come they haven’t made a Zelda movie yet?
P: That is so true. I’m very ambivalent about it.
D.J.: Really? Well, who would you cast to play Link? Ignoring your ambivalence?
P: I can’t ignore what’s so much a part of me. Who’d play Link? Are we talking the adult Link, or the little elf-child Link?
D.J.: To be a purist, it’d have to be the little kid. But I think the older one would make a better movie. Because the little kid would be like Episode I; that piece of shit. I’d say early to mid-twenties.
P: I don’t know. Who would wear green tights and a floppy hat?
D.J.: A lot of people. Debbie St. Sinclair wears ‘em all the time. Orlando Bloom would be okay. But he’s already played Legolas in The Lord Of The Rings, so it’d kind of be the same thing.
P: I don’t know. Link has to be blond.
D.J.: Orlando was blond as Legolas. But I wouldn’t do it if I were him. Know who shouldn’t play Mario and Luigi?
P: Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo?
D.J.: Exactly. That’s some shit. Bad news, bears. So, what would you say to little Patrick? If six-year-old Patrick were here right now?
P: I’d say, “Stop eating.”
D.J.: (laughs)
P: No. I actually wouldn’t say that, because, you know, I ended up not being fat. But that could’ve happened.
D.J.: Maybe if someone had said something like that to you, it would’ve made you compulsively eat more. Do you love me?
P: Yeah.
D.J.: Ah-ha! I’ve never asked anyone that in an interview.
P: Really?
D.J.: I think you’re the first one who would’ve said yes.
P: Because you’re my brother.
D.J.: Do dogs have souls?
P: I don’t know about souls. I don’t know if anybody has them. If any living thing has a soul. That’s not my strong suit.
D.J.: That’s why I asked. How about this: do dogs have lips?
P: Yes.
D.J.: Why?
P: Because lips are the things that cover your teeth, and make up what your mouth is. People have weird lips, really. People are the freak shows when it comes to lips. Most animals have lips, but they’re not all turned out and bright pink. Or whatever color your lips happen to be.
D.J.: Right now, my lips are more of a burgundy. But that’s the lipstick I’m wearing.
P: (long pause)
D.J.: Thanks for your time, Patrick.
P: No problem.
D.J.: Good luck on Zelda.
P: Thanks.
artid
2235
Old Image
6_8_everyday.jpg
issue
vol 6 - issue 08 (apr 2004)
section
everyday people