admin
22 December 2023
Most people will tell you they had unique experiences while living in a college dormitory. They’ll gab on about their first beer, or the time they slept with three women and a shaved muskrat, unbeknownst to their roommate who lay sleeping a mere five-feet away. Well, I’m willing to bet none of those bitches got stuck with Darth Vader for a bunkmate! No lie,.. the 6’9”, lightsaber-stroking, Mr. “I’ll-strangle-you-with-my-zany-voodoo-if-you-don’t-do-my-math-homework”, asthmatic frat boy, Dark Lord of the Sith was my roommate. It was our freshman year at the Pittsburgh University of Veterinary Science. I enrolled because I love tennis. Vader enrolled due to relentless cajoling by his cunty grandmother. Who would’ve thought that Grandma Vader’s best wishes would end up making my living space a living hell?
First off, that heavy breathing schtick got real old, real fast. You try falling asleep with someone going, “Koh-pah, koh-pah,” all goddamned night! Plus, Darth was always leaving his dirty underwear on the floor. I never felt safe inviting people into our room, for fear of them tripping over the mountains of skid-marked Hanes signed “D.V.” that adorned the suite. The guy was even a terror when it came to women. He couldn’t get laid because of the Commodore 64 chastity cup he always wore, and the lawnmower grill on his mask made cunnilingus an invite to the ER.
Worst of all, Vader just plain sucked at parties. Oh sure, he’d catch a buzz and make some shit float to please the crowd. But then it was like, “Watch out for the pissed off Oakland Raiders fan!” Ever see a guy set a whole girls’ volleyball team on fire just by pointing at them? I’ve got pictures! Seriously, the day I finally moved out of the dorm and away from that jackass was about as euphoric as the shit warriors take in gladiator movies right when they get killed.
As for Darth, I heard he dropped out after that first year. Word is, he fell in with some hippies and went cross-country in a VW bus. Eventually, I guess he signed up with the Empire, and the rest is history. Despite his grandmother’s urges, apparently veterinary studies will always come in second to choking motherfuckers and blowing up planets.
First off, that heavy breathing schtick got real old, real fast. You try falling asleep with someone going, “Koh-pah, koh-pah,” all goddamned night! Plus, Darth was always leaving his dirty underwear on the floor. I never felt safe inviting people into our room, for fear of them tripping over the mountains of skid-marked Hanes signed “D.V.” that adorned the suite. The guy was even a terror when it came to women. He couldn’t get laid because of the Commodore 64 chastity cup he always wore, and the lawnmower grill on his mask made cunnilingus an invite to the ER.
Worst of all, Vader just plain sucked at parties. Oh sure, he’d catch a buzz and make some shit float to please the crowd. But then it was like, “Watch out for the pissed off Oakland Raiders fan!” Ever see a guy set a whole girls’ volleyball team on fire just by pointing at them? I’ve got pictures! Seriously, the day I finally moved out of the dorm and away from that jackass was about as euphoric as the shit warriors take in gladiator movies right when they get killed.
As for Darth, I heard he dropped out after that first year. Word is, he fell in with some hippies and went cross-country in a VW bus. Eventually, I guess he signed up with the Empire, and the rest is history. Despite his grandmother’s urges, apparently veterinary studies will always come in second to choking motherfuckers and blowing up planets.
artid
121
Old Image
4_4_vader.swf
issue
vol 4 - issue 04 (dec 2001)
section
stories