admin
22 December 2023
Dear Franklin,
Look, I don’t want to waste your time, but, long story short, two liters of grape soda and a few hours later, there’s some green jizz on my girlfriend\'s belly. Now she wants me to go get tested. Me get tested! I don’t even have time to look at other women, let alone anything else! She’s the one sitting around the house all day giving the postman and the paper boy the \"time of day\", if you know what I mean. Damn ho’s probably takin’ it from the guy who checks the gas meter, too! And she wants me to go get tested?
Giving up pop in Pasadena,
- Irving Long
Irving, you are dealing with some very powerful forces: a woman\'s heart-- ummm, I mean, Red #40 and Blue Lake #5 are very powerful food colorings. You’ve got to see things from your girlfriend’s point of view, and stop projecting your emotions on... wait a second... I can finish this... uh, on to your girlfriend\'s-- I mean, you’ve got to... (Okay, breathe deeply. Laughter is simply a conditioned response to something out of the ordinary, like pies in the face, or anvils on the cranium. Concentrate....) You just need to think about how your girlfriend is feeling when she-- Wait, Irving. I am going to have to laugh. I mean, think about this for a while; I’ll get back to you. Until then, you might want to try inserting some charcoal into your urethra to filter out any impurities.
Dear Franklin,
Do you think I should break up with my boyfriend?
Confused in Charlotte,
- Lyndsay Farmington
You know, Lyndsay, fortunately, I’ve known a few women like you in my time. So, for starters, he’s sorry he bought the ketchup instead of the barbecue sauce. When you called and said to pick up a tomato-based sauce for the hamburgers, he thought you meant ketchup. You left your keys by the sofa. When he took you to the beach, he did it because you kept saying you wanted to go swimming. He did not, I repeat, did not know he was only supposed to curb your fears of looking fat in your bathing suit. And to top it all off, the number you are thinking of is 12. How did I do? I think next summer I’ll either join a band of gypsies, or start working some sort of retail-based customer service job. Oh, and I almost forgot, your boyfriend may be better off if you left him. But if I were you, I‘d give him a second chance and start actually communicating your thoughts instead of letting him play the ol\' sexy seer.
HAVING PROBLEMS WITH MATTERS OF YOUR HEART? EMAIL FRANKLIN HERE FOR ALL THE ANSWERS.
Look, I don’t want to waste your time, but, long story short, two liters of grape soda and a few hours later, there’s some green jizz on my girlfriend\'s belly. Now she wants me to go get tested. Me get tested! I don’t even have time to look at other women, let alone anything else! She’s the one sitting around the house all day giving the postman and the paper boy the \"time of day\", if you know what I mean. Damn ho’s probably takin’ it from the guy who checks the gas meter, too! And she wants me to go get tested?
Giving up pop in Pasadena,
- Irving Long
Irving, you are dealing with some very powerful forces: a woman\'s heart-- ummm, I mean, Red #40 and Blue Lake #5 are very powerful food colorings. You’ve got to see things from your girlfriend’s point of view, and stop projecting your emotions on... wait a second... I can finish this... uh, on to your girlfriend\'s-- I mean, you’ve got to... (Okay, breathe deeply. Laughter is simply a conditioned response to something out of the ordinary, like pies in the face, or anvils on the cranium. Concentrate....) You just need to think about how your girlfriend is feeling when she-- Wait, Irving. I am going to have to laugh. I mean, think about this for a while; I’ll get back to you. Until then, you might want to try inserting some charcoal into your urethra to filter out any impurities.
Dear Franklin,
Do you think I should break up with my boyfriend?
Confused in Charlotte,
- Lyndsay Farmington
You know, Lyndsay, fortunately, I’ve known a few women like you in my time. So, for starters, he’s sorry he bought the ketchup instead of the barbecue sauce. When you called and said to pick up a tomato-based sauce for the hamburgers, he thought you meant ketchup. You left your keys by the sofa. When he took you to the beach, he did it because you kept saying you wanted to go swimming. He did not, I repeat, did not know he was only supposed to curb your fears of looking fat in your bathing suit. And to top it all off, the number you are thinking of is 12. How did I do? I think next summer I’ll either join a band of gypsies, or start working some sort of retail-based customer service job. Oh, and I almost forgot, your boyfriend may be better off if you left him. But if I were you, I‘d give him a second chance and start actually communicating your thoughts instead of letting him play the ol\' sexy seer.
HAVING PROBLEMS WITH MATTERS OF YOUR HEART? EMAIL FRANKLIN HERE FOR ALL THE ANSWERS.
artid
2375
Old Image
6_10_franklin.jpg
issue
vol 6 - issue 10 (jun 2004)
section
stories