NOW PLAYING: SAMURAI WARRIORS

Player One: Staff Member #716
I’m sure my fellow staffer D.J. Kirkbride would be pleased to know that Hattori Hanzo is a playable character in Samurai Warriors... if only he knew who Hanzo was.
Hattori Hanzo was undoubtedly the most famous ninja in Japan’s history, having been portrayed in countless martial arts movies, as well as a fair share of video games. And yet nearly nothing is known about him. Almost his entire life was a secret; it’s remarkable that there is even a record of his existence at all! How much more ninja can you get?
Seriously, enter \"Hattori Hanzo\" into Google and see how many results it gives you. Now, if you skip the first few hundred, which are about Sonny Chiba in Kill Bill, you’ll find that information about the real-life historical figure is scarce. What is known is that Masanari Hanzo, the man who made the name Hattori Hanzo famous (the name was used more than once, kinda like the Dread Pirate Roberts... which is probably what started that whole pirate/ninja rivalry) was the leader of the Iga ninja clan, who served Tokugawa Ieyasu. While Hanzo was killed in a battle with the rival Fuma ninja clan in 1596, ninja whom he’d personally trained were instrumental in Tokugawa’s victory at Sekigahara four years later, which established their lord as Shogun of Japan. Hey, now who says that video games aren’t educational?
True, I didn’t necessarily learn all that from the game. In fact, Samurai Warriors is more likely to be historically inaccurate than anything, since I’m willing to bet that Hanzo wasn’t actually able to shoot lightning from his chest. But it’s still cool to have a big-ass, over-the-top action game that at least draws from actual historical figures and events. Anyone with even a passing interest in Japanese history will find a few names in here they recognize, like Takeda Shingen or Oda Nobunaga. One figure, though, is conspicuous by his absence. How the hell can you have a game about 16th Century Japan and not feature the legendary Yagyu Jubei?
Oh. Turns out he wasn’t born yet. Thanks, Google.
Player Two: Das Bork
If you have played Dynasty Warriors, then you will know what this game is all about: murder by the thousands! I think Jesus must have made this game. It takes what Dynasty Warriors did and expands upon it with more stuff. Better moves + better battles + better death = better bloody thumbs. You know this game has some significance when it\'s responsible for inventing the genre called \"hack and slash\".
Fun stuff, kids and cadets.
You can’t deny you like fuckin\' shit up with your supercharged hero of carnage. I came across one level where you have to convince your fellow soldiers to leave the battlefield, and you then take on the entire enemy army yourself!
The thing that turns me off about this is I think the entire country of Japan has been doused with a pill of lunacy. Some of these characters, man... sheesh! I mean, there\'s a boy that looks like a girl, and a Bruce Campbell knockoff, complete with boomstick and cheesy one-liners. That made me and 716 change the spoken language settings on the game to Japanese. I think if I played this game enough, I might actually learn the language. Hmmm... let\'s try. I will be in my room for a year. Let\'s see what happens. Until then....