TRUCKER APPRECIATION

With Christmas just around the corner, it’s time once again for loose-jawed ninnies like myself to remind you of what is important. Kindness to others and love are swell. But let me tell you, you would be a naked, bear loving fool squatting with a handful of kind maple leaves if it were not for our nation’s greatest unsung heroes. That’s right, I’m talking about truck drivers. They’re like a million bean-fueled Santas jockeying through the night, 365 days a year. Every item you own, from the lumber in your home to your car, came to you courtesy of a Mack-maneuvering man. What’s this? You say you rent an apartment and walk to work? Well, how the hell do you think your shoes got here, Mister Fancy Pants? That’s right: along America’s highways and byways on a 16-wheeled sleigh. Still don’t buy it? Well, what about your food, books, beer, pencils, television and refrigerator? You think they make the food in a secret backroom at Big Bear and walk it over to the freezer? “But oh,” you say, “every third Thursday a semi overturns on the freeway and spills toxic sludge everywhere making me horribly sick and late for work.” Well why don’t you go kiss a giant redwood while you’re at it, Mister Gunny-Sack-For-A-Shirt. You would have died when you were 6-years-old from bronchitis if truckers hadn’t brought antibiotics to your pharmacist. I can’t think of a job that doesn’t rely on truckers. Even Ladies of the Night get their fishnet stockings from truckers. So this holiday season, remember to love all your brothers and sisters. But don’t forget to say an extra prayer for truckers. And if you’re feeling especially festive, bake up some sugar cookies and drop them off at the nearest Flying J.
Happy Holidays.