TAKE OFF, HOSER... OR I'LL CHECK YOUR ASS!

Our fair and eternal cow town of Columbus is now in its second year of having its own professional hockey team. Thanks, Canada. Hockey is all we need, so you can take back Barenaked Ladies and all of those shitty comedians. Now, I love hockey, but I’m not a Sporto. You know the type: they start every conversation with, “Did ya see the game?”, then rattle off stats like it was some impressive feat like doing calculus or farting the I Dream of Jeanie theme song. Hockey is here in Ohio, but do we deserve it in it’s purest form? Can Columbus handle the animal that is the National Hockey League? I am beginning to have my doubts. I’m also not sure if Columbus even knows how to be sports fans, judging by the consistent piss-poor showings at The Shoe. I often hear disdainful rumblings regarding the violent nature of the game from Columbus citizens: “Why do they have to hit each other so hard? They don’t need to fight. It’s barbaric and should be against the rules,” or, “I took my kids to see a Blue Jackets game and my daughter started crying when a guy got checked into the glass right in front of us.” Listen up, Columbus and anyone else that just doesn’t get it: it’s hockey, not figure skating! It’s the most beautiful display of athletic skill, raw aggression and violence ever created. If you take away the fighting, the goons get crafty with the sticks and someone loses an eye. What’s next? No sticks? All of you passive pussies like Richard Gere need to shut the fuck up. Go shove gerbils up your asses and watch a shitty soccer game, for all I care. Just leave hockey alone. We hockey fans have already given you the instigator rule. Let Tie Domi beat the shit out of anyone he wants. If you want to treat your family to fun on the ice, go to the Ice Capades. You won’t have to worry about big, mean Jean-Luc Grand-Pierre scaring your stupid little brats. Give up your seats to people who love hockey so I don’t have to listen to your bleeding heart bullshit.