THANKSGIVING WITH FPHATTY

Thanksgiving is here again! A time to get together with estranged loved ones to celebrate the beginning of the white man’s strangle-hold on this diversely fruitful land. Money is a little tight these days, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be resourceful enough to get together a gluttonous meal and enough booze to get drunk before the first punch is thrown. Here are instructions on how you can whip up a sumptuous feast for only $13.65! “Impossible!” you say. “A turkey alone will cost more than that!” True. But that’s when you’re talking about turkey, the meaty bird. I’m talking about a fun and inventive alternative. Matzerkey is a tasty blend of matzo balls (for the illusion of protein), corn flakes (for that farm-raised flavor) and potato flakes to bind. Simply add instant matzo balls in a pot of water and add two parts corn flakes and one part potato flakes. Soak until it becomes a mushy paste. Then drain it on newspaper and pack into your favorite mold (beach buckets make a whimsical sandcastle shape!). While you refrigerate it for firmness, make gravy by draining a few cans of Mighty Dog into a gravy boat and nuke just before dinner. Everyone depends on the tart sweetness of cranberry sauce to cut through the bird’s salty goodness. But who can afford such a canned delicacy in such tight times? The answer lies in the supply of Smucker’s jelly singles you’ve collected from the tables of Bob Evans. Empty them into a mixing bowl and whisk in potato flakes to thicken and bind. Refrigerate in Jell-O Jigglers molds. Rolls are easily accomplished by shoving slices of Wonder Bread tightly into muffin tins. Topping with potato flakes adds texture. Stuffing? No problem. Scrape the slimy hot dog buns that have been in the fridge for years into a dish, mix with celery salt, chicken boullion and potato flakes for flavor, and bake. What would Thanksgiving dinner be without mashed potatoes? My secret to this is french fries. Not the expensive fresh ones you get at a fast food drive-thru. There are plenty shoved between the upholstery of your front seat to be whipped into creamy pillows of delight. Pumpkin pie is the most anticipated part of the meal. A tasty combo of Food Club pistachio pudding and crushed-up candy-corn-flavored pumpkins (and potato flakes for texture) in a pie shell turns out to be the perfect flavor and color to fool any pie enthusiast. Lastly, wine is definitely a necessity. But you don’t need to go anywhere near the state liquor store. Just ferment the Kool-Aid of your choice with potato flakes (for a robust bouquet) for three months and no one at your celebration will be walking straight for days!