admin
22 December 2023
Leelee Sobieski,
Dear God. Who in the hell named you? A Russian circus trapeze family? I bet that isn’t even your real name. I’m going to go to imdb.com and see who you really are. Be right back... Alright, I’m back. Wow! Well, “Leelee Sobieski” doesn’t sound so bad when you put it next to “Liliane Rudabet Gloria Elsveta Sobieski”. But I digress. Let me get back to my initial purpose in writing you: I think you should move to another country. I can’t say this because I think you’re a bad actress (although I’m sure you are), because I have never seen a single movie you’ve ever been in. Nor can I say this because I think you are dumber than a nail (although, if polled, I’m sure most people would think you are). I’m not even saying this because your gigantic forehead reminds me of one of those climbing walls at a sporting goods store; the likes of which hasn’t been seen since another giant foreheaded actress, Helen Hunt, did that shitty movie with Mel Gibson. (Note to reader: look for An Open Letter to Helen Hunt in the next issue.) No, Leelee. My reason for loathing you is much more shallow than that. Much more unwarranted. You see, I saw you on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (I was waiting to see Cake perform, I swear) and you were on with your dumb shirt and you read an even dumber poem. Yeah, that pretty much clinched it for me. I knew right then and there that I had to write and beg you to do us all a favor and leave this country. So, pretty please with sugar on top, leave. You’ll be giving us not just one, but many gifts. No longer will we have to see your movies advertised. No longer will we have to struggle with your fake name or, even sadder, real name. No longer will we have to hear bad poetry. And no longer will we have to see your horrible wardrobe or your giant, drive-in movie theater screen of a forehead. If you agree to leave, tastes like chicken has agreed to send you a check for $23.68, tax-free (offer is only good thru January 1, 2002). I already suspect that you will decline our tasty offer. Therefore, I am starting a “Pleeleease Leeleeave, Leelee” petition. If anyone reading this wants this Leelee madness stopped, email your concerns to me at wayne@tlchicken.com. Power to the non-Sobieskis.
Word.
insane wayne chinsang, editor, tastes like chicken
Dear God. Who in the hell named you? A Russian circus trapeze family? I bet that isn’t even your real name. I’m going to go to imdb.com and see who you really are. Be right back... Alright, I’m back. Wow! Well, “Leelee Sobieski” doesn’t sound so bad when you put it next to “Liliane Rudabet Gloria Elsveta Sobieski”. But I digress. Let me get back to my initial purpose in writing you: I think you should move to another country. I can’t say this because I think you’re a bad actress (although I’m sure you are), because I have never seen a single movie you’ve ever been in. Nor can I say this because I think you are dumber than a nail (although, if polled, I’m sure most people would think you are). I’m not even saying this because your gigantic forehead reminds me of one of those climbing walls at a sporting goods store; the likes of which hasn’t been seen since another giant foreheaded actress, Helen Hunt, did that shitty movie with Mel Gibson. (Note to reader: look for An Open Letter to Helen Hunt in the next issue.) No, Leelee. My reason for loathing you is much more shallow than that. Much more unwarranted. You see, I saw you on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (I was waiting to see Cake perform, I swear) and you were on with your dumb shirt and you read an even dumber poem. Yeah, that pretty much clinched it for me. I knew right then and there that I had to write and beg you to do us all a favor and leave this country. So, pretty please with sugar on top, leave. You’ll be giving us not just one, but many gifts. No longer will we have to see your movies advertised. No longer will we have to struggle with your fake name or, even sadder, real name. No longer will we have to hear bad poetry. And no longer will we have to see your horrible wardrobe or your giant, drive-in movie theater screen of a forehead. If you agree to leave, tastes like chicken has agreed to send you a check for $23.68, tax-free (offer is only good thru January 1, 2002). I already suspect that you will decline our tasty offer. Therefore, I am starting a “Pleeleease Leeleeave, Leelee” petition. If anyone reading this wants this Leelee madness stopped, email your concerns to me at wayne@tlchicken.com. Power to the non-Sobieskis.
Word.
insane wayne chinsang, editor, tastes like chicken
artid
154
Old Image
4_3_leelee.swf
issue
vol 4 - issue 03 (nov 2001)
section
stories