KILLING CHRISTIANS FOR CHRIST

Before you get your panties in a wad, let me say up-front that I\'m not advocating killing all Christians. Just the ones that piss me off.
For starters, let\'s revisit that old horn-dog, the Reverend Jimmy Swaggart.
When last we heard from Swaggart, he\'d been caught red-handed (not to mention blue-balled) with a hooker in New Orleans. Since then, Jimmy\'s been doing a pretty good job of preaching below the radar. But you just knew an ass this big couldn\'t stay silent (but deadly) forever. So, last month he finally farted up again, going decidedly off-message* in a rant against homosexuality.
In preaching his anti-Christ-like disgust for homosexuals and gay marriage, Swaggart said the following: \"I\'ve never seen a man in my life I wanted to marry. And I\'m going to be blunt and plain: If one ever looks at me like that, I\'m going to kill him and tell God he died.\"
At that, the congregation shared a hearty laugh as they snacked from a buffet of baby Jew hearts and virgin placenta sauce.
To his credit, Swaggart later apologized for his remarks, saying he has jokingly used the expression \"killing someone and telling God he died\" thousands of times, about all sorts of people. He said the expression is figurative and not meant to harm.
\"It\'s a humorous statement that doesn\'t mean anything. You can\'t lie to God. It\'s ridiculous,\" Swaggart told The Associated Press. \"If it\'s an insult, I certainly didn\'t think it was, but if they are offended, then I certainly offer an apology.\"
See, that\'s why I don\'t feel bad about asking someone to put a bullet in Swaggart\'s head. It\'s just a joke. God will understand.
Our second example of Christians Gone Crazy! is pro-life advocate and author Jill Stanek, who recently took issue with doctors aborting babies diagnosed with anencephaly, a condition where the baby in question is missing both a forebrain (the front part of the brain) and a cerebrum (the thinking and coordinating area of the brain). The remaining brain tissue is often exposed, not covered by bone or skin. The infant is usually blind, deaf, unconscious, and unable to feel pain.
You\'d think this one is a no-brainer (pardon the pun), a mercy-killing even the staunchest of pro-life advocates could support. Well, you\'d be wrong. I\'ll let Ms. Stanek explain: \"Doctors are called to help parents bear the unbearable loss of a child, not trigger it. Instead, they counsel mothers to force their sick little babies from their warm, quiet, comforting uterine homes into a cold steel world of bright lights, loud noises, and rough handling, worst of all withdrawing their nourishment, hydration, and oxygenation, solely to cut their little lives shorter than He in His infinite wisdom intended.\"
Obviously, Jill is in total awe of the brave choice her own mother once made, deciding to have her baby, despite the doctors\' warning that Jill would be a raving brainless lunatic, barely capable of wiping her own ass, let alone showing the slightest level of human compassion.
Hey, Jilly, since you seem to know so much more about this decision than either the parents actually facing it or the doctors advising them, perhaps you should consider opening a home for babies born with anencephaly. For marketing purposes, I suggest you give it a catchy name; something like \"Anencephaly House\" or \"The Jill Stanek Home For Insufferable Cunts\".
If anyone has the opportunity to meet Ms. Stanek, please do us all a favor and remove what\'s left of her brain from what passes as her head. But worry not about the heavenly repercussions. When it comes time to meet your maker, just look Him in the eye and say, \"Yes, she deserved to die, and I hope she burns in Hell!\" I bet God will just chuckle and give you a peanut butter cookie. Evidently, He really enjoys a good joke.
*I say \"off-message\" because, despite what the Religious Wrong would have you believe, Jesus didn\'t/doesn\'t give a shit about homosexuality. In fact, homosexuality is mentioned only three times in the entire New Testament, and none of those comments were made by the Prince of Peace. If you\'d like to read more about how wrong today\'s Christians are on the issue of homosexuality-- not to mention pretty much everything else-- click here and here.