SCREWED AND NAILS

Two weeks ago my ladyfriend and I parted ways after nearly five years together. Needless to say this has been the most valuable relationship in my life thus far. A great emotional cannon has been produced and only I am left to bare witness to the innumerable heartfelt gestures, gentle touches and kind words we shared. Somewhere along the way we parted, but so shall my journey be. This past week a series of events took place that reaffirmed my belief in kinetic physics. Upon my revelation, I was greeted with a warm glow and soon forgot the looming and incessant question of who will rub my belly. The first incident occurred as I was riding my bike to the Olentangy bicycle trail. As I approached the Oakland Recreational Center I spied a curious looking older man operating a metal detector around the playground. I noted his presence and proceeded on. Two days later I was riding to Goodale Park to sit by the pond and reflect with my pipe. On my way back I spotted two more curious men operating similar metal detectors in the park. At this point it dawned upon me that prior to this week I had never seen anyone operating a metal detector, aside from Don Herbert, television’s Mr. Wizard. To my absolute bewilderment, I encountered another such man on another bike ride a few short days later. Was the world of science mocking my romantic heart? Had a landlocked pirate’s booty trail been scented? Or had there simply been a closeout sale on metal detectors at Radio Shack? I was dumfounded, yet possessed with an unquenchable thirst for the truth. I approached the fourth of Edison’s henchmen and declared, “I demand that you disband your cold-blooded coalition of tinkerers and meddlers immediately, so that the human heart may once again flourish.” To this the fellow responded, “What?” Again, I repeated my request and was met with a similar retort. After several minutes of our foreign exchanges he stated that he firmly believed me to be mad, but if I needed any diameter of screw or nail I was his welcome guest to fish around in his pocket for them.