admin
22 December 2023
Do you have trouble biting into steamy cheeseburgers or slicing through tender, succulent steaks with a clear conscience? Can you not hear the sweet sizzle of sirloin shish kabobs without hearing the blood-curdling shrieks of innocent, cuddly little cows? This problem may soon be a distant memory.
Across the nation, a brand of more humane cattle farms are popping up. Fate Farms, as they’re called, are a kinder and gentler alternative to the traditional methods of cattle farming. Instead of cows spending their entire existence cooped up in crowded pens and blasé fields, residents of friendly Fate Farms experience fulfilling lives of fun and recreation.
Each day, bovine can participate in an activity of their choosing, from backgammon to shuffle board, Mario-Kart to lanyard-making. All things that guarantee a full and happy life can be found at Fate Farms. There will surely never be any guilt on your part, thinking your ground beef never had the opportunity to really live.
You still think it isn't fair to our barnyard friends that we just up and slaughter them in the prime of their lives? Well, Fate Farms has solved that dilemma, too. Once residents reach the summer of their fourth year, the atmosphere of the farm begins to change. The happy-go-lucky resort they once knew subtly changes to a less-desirable, cruel and empty world. The idea is to encourage the cows to end their lives on their own terms, instead of walking up that impersonal ramp.
Subtle changes in routine slowly crush their spirits and turn them into cynical, withdrawn loners. Daily, individuals are confronted with impossible trigonometry questions. They are given dresses to try on that are too small and have horizontal stripes that make their hips look wide. If they refuse to wear the garments, they are told their spots make them look fat. Farmers try and avoid outright verbal abuse, but every once in a while you might hear someone yelling, "Your udders are small!" And to cast a final blanket of agony across their lives, a series of Bill Paxton films are projected against the barn 24 hours a day. These methods have been proven time and again to cause cows to gladly give themselves up to that giant packing plant in the sky. One by one they wander into “Peace Ports” scattered about the property. Residents choose one of two “Ports.” The first barn has a running car in it. In the second barn, known as Tipping Town, residents take turns ending each others' pain with a running start.
A spokesman from PETA proclaims, "Fate Farms is revolutionary. Cattle farming is no longer cruel and unjust. I can't complain about the living conditions because those cows have it better than I do! And since our friends end up committing suicide, it's like they are virtually climbing onto plates. Now I can enjoy my cheeseburgers outside of my curtained apartment with a clear conscience."
Across the nation, a brand of more humane cattle farms are popping up. Fate Farms, as they’re called, are a kinder and gentler alternative to the traditional methods of cattle farming. Instead of cows spending their entire existence cooped up in crowded pens and blasé fields, residents of friendly Fate Farms experience fulfilling lives of fun and recreation.
Each day, bovine can participate in an activity of their choosing, from backgammon to shuffle board, Mario-Kart to lanyard-making. All things that guarantee a full and happy life can be found at Fate Farms. There will surely never be any guilt on your part, thinking your ground beef never had the opportunity to really live.
You still think it isn't fair to our barnyard friends that we just up and slaughter them in the prime of their lives? Well, Fate Farms has solved that dilemma, too. Once residents reach the summer of their fourth year, the atmosphere of the farm begins to change. The happy-go-lucky resort they once knew subtly changes to a less-desirable, cruel and empty world. The idea is to encourage the cows to end their lives on their own terms, instead of walking up that impersonal ramp.
Subtle changes in routine slowly crush their spirits and turn them into cynical, withdrawn loners. Daily, individuals are confronted with impossible trigonometry questions. They are given dresses to try on that are too small and have horizontal stripes that make their hips look wide. If they refuse to wear the garments, they are told their spots make them look fat. Farmers try and avoid outright verbal abuse, but every once in a while you might hear someone yelling, "Your udders are small!" And to cast a final blanket of agony across their lives, a series of Bill Paxton films are projected against the barn 24 hours a day. These methods have been proven time and again to cause cows to gladly give themselves up to that giant packing plant in the sky. One by one they wander into “Peace Ports” scattered about the property. Residents choose one of two “Ports.” The first barn has a running car in it. In the second barn, known as Tipping Town, residents take turns ending each others' pain with a running start.
A spokesman from PETA proclaims, "Fate Farms is revolutionary. Cattle farming is no longer cruel and unjust. I can't complain about the living conditions because those cows have it better than I do! And since our friends end up committing suicide, it's like they are virtually climbing onto plates. Now I can enjoy my cheeseburgers outside of my curtained apartment with a clear conscience."
artid
177
Old Image
4_2_sadcow.swf
issue
vol 4 - issue 02 (oct 2001)
section
stories