THE MISTRESS OF THE DARK: ELVIRA

BOYS AND GHOULS, BRACE YOURSELVES AS CAP'N BOOTY DUTIFULLY EXPLORES THE HAUNTED HILLS OF A TRUE MISTRESS OF THE DARK: ELVIRA!
cap’n: Let me start by sincerely wishing you the best on the 20th anniversary of Elvira.
Elvira: Thank you.
c: You’re welcome. How are you going to celebrate this milestone?
E: By slitting my wrists. (laughing) No, I don’t know. I’m probably going to celebrate it by working like a dog out at Knott’s Berry Farm. That’s where I’ll be celebrating everything. It’s such a bummer. My birthday and my anniversary are all in September; the month I can’t celebrate anything because of work.
c: Well, that’s how you make the big bucks.
E: That’s right. I guess I should be celebrating, now that you put it that way.
c: Exactly. Well, your formal title is “Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.” How did you receive this title?
E: Well, that’s a strange one. I’m still trying to find out exactly what the hell “Mistress of the Dark” means. We got the name “Elvira” right out of a coffee can. The first day we did my local horror show in L.A., we were going to use the name “Vampira”. But we quickly found out that name was taken. So, panicking, everyone on the set quickly thought up names and threw them in a can. I picked one out and it was “Elvira”. I thought, "What the hell is this? This is disgusting. Some country western floozie?” Anyway, that’s the name I was stuck with. But now I am happy with it.
c: And history was made.
E: History was made, and there I was. I don’t know who made up the “Mistress of the Dark” thing. I guess it was the director of the show at the time. His idea of a joke or something, but it stuck with me, too.
c: In line with the last question, what special duties does a “Mistress of the Dark” have?
E: That’s a good question. I was going to ask you the same thing. I guess they’re something like the duties Miss America has to fulfill every year, you know.
c: Like store openings?
E: Yes. Miss America and I have a lot in common.
c: Take us through an average day for Elvira. What is the first thing you do in the morning?
E: Go back to sleep. (laughs) Well, are you asking me or Elvira?
c: Whichever. I’m more interested in you, actually.
E: Well, I get up in the morning and take my daughter to school. She’s in the first grade. It’s a very Leave It To Beaver experience going on here. Then I run around, do some interviews like this one. I work out and have a few business appointments during the day. It’s a pretty boring existence when I think about it. Generally, people think I only work at Halloween. But, in fact, I work year-round getting ready for Halloween. I work on merchandising; like shooting pictures for my new calender. I also have a new B.C. Rich guitar and a slot machine coming out soon. So, basically, I do have a year-round job. I’m not as lazy as I look.
c: So, this guitar. What is the significance of it? I didn’t know you played.
E: I know. But I play the slot machine strangely enough. (laughing) Well, Elvira has always been tied to metal groups. I hosted a show in England called Heavy Metal Heaven. I introduced a million bands: Alice Cooper, Rob Zombie,.. It’s really bizarre. I don’t quite get the connection myself, but I’ve always been imbedded in that world. When I show up at signings I’m usually next to people like Kiss and wrestlers.
c: Well, you certainly have a lot going on right now. For instance, you have a new movie coming out soon, right?
E: Yeah.
c: What was the title again?
E: Elvira’s Haunted Hills.
c: Yes, what does that title mean exactly? Are you selling time-shares in Carpathia?
E: No, but that’s something I should think about doing. Obviously, there’s a bit of a double entendre there.
c: I did sort of get that from the trailer.
E: Well, we didn’t want to be too subtle. It’s meant to be a cute, funny, double entendre thing. We were trying to get a name that captured the whole ‘60s, gothic horror thing. Haunted palace, haunted castle. Everything was haunted back then.
c: And, of course, your hills are as well.
E: And my hills, too. My hills are alive with the sound of haunting.
c: Does this film start where your last one left off?
E: Not at all. We didn’t want to be sued by the people who produced the first one. So, nothing similar, except for Elvira. It takes place in 1851, so it’s a totally different thing. Cars weren’t even invented then.
c: Oooh, how gothic.
E: It’s certainly gothic. Elvira can be anywhere at anytime. It seems to work. I like this one a lot better than the last one. The first one I did, Elvira was sort of a fish out of water. I like her when she’s in her own water, so to speak. In her own world: Elvira’s world!
c: Well, I can’t wait to see it. You’re also opening a haunted attraction in Columbus.
E: I am?
c: Elvira’s Nightmare Haunted House? Isn’t that the name of it? Or is this the first you’ve heard of it?
E: No, I know all about that. Yes, it’s supposed to be a good, kick-ass haunted house. Hopefully people will love it. Be totally creeped out by it.
c: Do you think dogs have lips?
E: They do. I know they do.
c: How do you know?
E: Because I have kissed many.
c: Alright. Hey, where do you get your clothes? Because, let me tell you, I have tried and tried, but I couldn’t find anything at Kmart.
E: Mine is actually off the rack! Ha! Sorry. Those dresses are actually custom-made for me out of 100% polyester. Throw them in the washer, they’re clean. And I’m happy to say that for twenty years I have had the same dress, cut from the same pattern. I tell that to everyone when I get the chance. But you won’t find them at Kmart or Target.
c: Too bad for me. I have spent a lot of time examining lots of pictures of you for, ah, this interview, of course. And, ah, I noticed you carry a small dagger on your belt.
E: Yes, I do.
c: Is there a significance to this?
E: Yeah, so if anyone gets out of line I can cut them! That’s the significance.
c: I have one final question. I know you have probably been asked this a million times, but I really need to know--
E: --do chickens have lips?
c: No.
E: Or peckers?
c: No. I wanted to know, who do you think killed JFK? Do you think it was Jason Voorhees or the Creature from the Black Lagoon.
E: I think it was OJ.
c: OJ?
E: Yes. Actually, I know it was.


VISIT THE MISTRESS OF THE DARK AT HER WEBSITE.