THE ENVELOPE, PLEASE...

I am a shameless addict of award shows. It’s a sickness, much like the attraction to Fairuza Balk that vinnie and I share. My only excuse is that I watch for the morbid fascination that these shows provide. I tuned into the MTV Video Music Awards last month and I’d like to share a few points of interest:
• Britney Spears and Mick Jagger being interviewed together by some cheeky VJ (oblivious to Mick’s rock’n’roll god status): she asked Britney 20 questions and only three to Mick. Fire that goofy bitch.
• Someone call Stephen Hawking and ask him to figure out the ratio of hot-ass violin and cello players to dirt-ugly ones worldwide.
• Puffy didn’t shoot anyone, shoot Destiny’s Child, or get shot himself. Damn!
• Triumph The Insult Comic Dog echoed the sentiments of the world’s heterosexual men. We all want to sniff J-Lo’s ass.
• Outkast wore designs by H.R. Pufnstuf.
• Kudos to Mudvayne for making the corporate spoon-fed public shit themselves. Love the bullet wounds.
• Freddy “Boom Boom” Washington is back on TV. So what if it was a Sony commercial.
• New catch phrase: “Where’s your dirty?”
• Wes Borland’s rendition of Iron Maiden’s Wasted Years. Thank you! Maiden rules!
• Word to Snoop Dogg for keeping the ebonics folks on their toes.
• More plugs than a tampon factory.
• The only irreverent thing U2 has done in the past ten years was honoring the remaining Ramones on stage.
• And lastly: Britney, you insufferable slut! How can you shake your half-naked ass while stroking a python and still claim virginity? You’ve been banged more times than an old screen door.