COLUMBUS, I COULDN'T STAND YOU!

Well, I'm on the move. I plan to hit the main highway artery east, and never look back. I have been stuck in this hell-hole of a town for three terrible years, and now I finally have my chance to run away. Three years of my life have been wasted, working a meaningless job. Columbus is the ditch-diggers’ capital of the employed United States, with more mind-erasing, white-collar corporate positions than all of the Midwest put together. The most tedious mega-mall, Planet Hollywood, Nazi-run institution, juggling agendas comprised of redundant, bureaucratic, white-republican, red tape, bottomless pit of run-around busy-work, meaningless hell that has ever existed. Ever see that movie Cube? Well, if it were a reality it would have been built in Columbus. And if I ever hear someone say, “Well, I still like you! I don't care what [insert name here] says about you! Hyuk! Hyuk!” I will kill them. During my three-year sentence, I have encountered the most inconsiderate, snobby, half-assed, yuppified, SUV-driving, Brewery District-frequenting, gallery-hopping, corn-festering, Buckeye football jock itch, dick-sucking, dumpster-burning, car-flipping, drunken over-privileged frat-brat rioting, highway constructing, road-rage-sissy-assed bunch of cluster fucks to ever mope the earth. God bless.