SHARKY'S MACHINE

Webster defines wild as “living in a state of nature, not ordinarily tame or domesticated.” This past summer has been like any other with the news coverage on shark attacks. Why sharks chomping on so many humans is such a big surprise escapes me. Sharks are wild animals. They eat, shit and reproduce. Nothing more. Where do humans get off thinking that swimming around with these watery wood chippers is a good idea? How dare these fish fuck up our fun by swimming at our beach! I’m happy that the little kid who almost lost his arm is going to live, and “Word!” to his bad motherfucker of an uncle. But the kid asked for it, just like the rest of the assholes who got munched in the open water. I’d like nothing more than to see the whole thing turn into a Peter Benchley wet dream. It would serve us right for being so pompous about having a higher intellect and an opposable thumb. When are we going to learn? For the record, sharp teeth equal shredded flesh! Don’t go in the water with sharks, don’t go in the woods with bears, and stay the fuck out of a tiger cage. It makes absolutely no sense to kill the tiger that mauled the fool who waltzed into his cage. What else would you expect from a 600 pound tiger? A game of checkers? The downside of this is that we humans, with our big brains, would slaughter anything with a dorsal fin and fangs to assert our dominance. How is it the animal’s fault for acting like an animal? The smart thing to do would have been to let that motherfucker chow down and be done with it. This elitist and reactionary shit doesn’t end with dangerous creatures. All creatures great and small are on our hit list. People are paid to chase geese and ducks from corporate property so the precious BMWs of CEO’s aren’t shat upon. You pompous corporate fucks! Who do think you are? Does it pain your cold, corporate heart to realize that you cannot control everything? I hope a goose eats your children and I hope it’s Canadian. I am not a crazed PETA member, but seeing the animal kingdom score warms my jaded heart. Now, if you will excuse me, I’m going to go watch The Crocodile Hunter. Steve is a crazy wanker and mighty entertaining, but one of these days he’s going to lose a limb. I don’t want to miss the look on his face when it happens. Crikies!