YOU KNOW YOU WANT ME!

Hey, lard-ass! Yeah, you. Why on Earth are you ordering that low-fat, prissy little anorexic-special vegan salad when you know a chunky monkey like yourself needs to be wolfing down a real meal? Namely, me-- your good ol' charbroiled buddy, Mr. Triple Cheeseburger. Now, I know you're probably thinking about all my other names, like Captain Cardiac or Artery Aloysius. But I'm here to dispel all those misnomers and lay claim to my rightful title. I am, after all, the King Of All Lethal Food Combinations. That's right. Just one look should be enough to answer all your questions. Just one lusty gaze betwixt my sensuous, soggy, sesame seed buns should affirm your wildest desires. Sure, you can keep lying to yourself and eat nothing but shrubs and hummus. Or you can set yourself free with one bite out of my 6.3 pounds of processed bovine goodness. Don't stop at one bite, though. If you want to get with this, you've got to be willing to go all the way. From your first cross-sectioned taste of cheese and meat to that final, gorged intake of greasy, ketchup stained bun, I can't wait to get inside you and work my magic. So why keep hiding behind that bullshit diet when you could easily be eating the way God intended? My 87 grams of saturated fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 219 milligrams of sodium, 10 grams of sugar and total lack of vitamins B, C and E will be the best thing that ever happened to you. I promise.