admin
22 December 2023
As I approach the end of my term, and with newly-elected Executive-in-Chief Rip Torn ready to take the most patriotic of oaths, I'd like to reflect upon what I have done for our great province. After all, every President leaves a legacy. And I believe I have done as much as humanly possible to ensure that my term does not go unremembered.
Take the arts, for example. While I may not have resuscitated the NEA like many of you beret-wearing tea-drinkers had hoped, I did commission two young picture-taking upstarts (Andres Serrano and Robert Mapplethorpe) to take the Bush family portrait for our Christmas card. The response from our friends and family upon receiving those Season's Greetings was remarkable!
Then there were my many contributions to education. When teachers across the nation complained of low wages and threatened to strike, I simply sent in the National Guard, WTO-style! Within days, American teachers retracted all grievances and returned to work, bruised but smiling.
I also used that same aggressive enthusiasm (and rubber bullets) to bring prayer back into our schools. And let's not forget how I single-handedly eliminated our nation's illiteracy rate by placing all illiterate peoples on death row. Our nation is a kajillion times smarter for it!
Hell, I even put a little green back into the environment. Well, okay. So I didn't do that. I'm only human! I can't do everything. And let's face it-- pleasing the tree-huggers was not exactly top priority for me. I had so many more important things to do.
Like avert near-international crisis on more than one occasion, gradually making peace with hostile enemy countries such as Canadia, Left Japan and Narnia. I even united warring factions in the former Yugoslavia by reminding them that "nobody cares anymore." Yee-haw! And last, but certainly not least, I brought our poor, weathered economy back to a healthy point of no return, blurring the economic class divides and eliminating poverty altogether,.. by arming the wealthy. An hour after the last of the upper tier was armed, all the creepy, dirty and penniless panhandlers who make our nation's streets look like the stage setting for Oliver were eradimacated. The market regained its health, gas prices lowered, and-- thank goodness-- a rash of country clubs sprung up in place of once-inhabited inner-city neighborhoods all across the US.
So the next time you step outside and appreciate all that is good about our 37 states' worth of great God's Earth, remember: I made it that way.
Let's hope President-elect Torn can carry such a mighty and noble torch.
Take the arts, for example. While I may not have resuscitated the NEA like many of you beret-wearing tea-drinkers had hoped, I did commission two young picture-taking upstarts (Andres Serrano and Robert Mapplethorpe) to take the Bush family portrait for our Christmas card. The response from our friends and family upon receiving those Season's Greetings was remarkable!
Then there were my many contributions to education. When teachers across the nation complained of low wages and threatened to strike, I simply sent in the National Guard, WTO-style! Within days, American teachers retracted all grievances and returned to work, bruised but smiling.
I also used that same aggressive enthusiasm (and rubber bullets) to bring prayer back into our schools. And let's not forget how I single-handedly eliminated our nation's illiteracy rate by placing all illiterate peoples on death row. Our nation is a kajillion times smarter for it!
Hell, I even put a little green back into the environment. Well, okay. So I didn't do that. I'm only human! I can't do everything. And let's face it-- pleasing the tree-huggers was not exactly top priority for me. I had so many more important things to do.
Like avert near-international crisis on more than one occasion, gradually making peace with hostile enemy countries such as Canadia, Left Japan and Narnia. I even united warring factions in the former Yugoslavia by reminding them that "nobody cares anymore." Yee-haw! And last, but certainly not least, I brought our poor, weathered economy back to a healthy point of no return, blurring the economic class divides and eliminating poverty altogether,.. by arming the wealthy. An hour after the last of the upper tier was armed, all the creepy, dirty and penniless panhandlers who make our nation's streets look like the stage setting for Oliver were eradimacated. The market regained its health, gas prices lowered, and-- thank goodness-- a rash of country clubs sprung up in place of once-inhabited inner-city neighborhoods all across the US.
So the next time you step outside and appreciate all that is good about our 37 states' worth of great God's Earth, remember: I made it that way.
Let's hope President-elect Torn can carry such a mighty and noble torch.
artid
210
Old Image
4_1_bush.swf
issue
vol 4 - issue 01 (sep 2001)
section
stories