admin
22 December 2023
WHERE OUR MADCAP MAN OF THE HOUR GOES POSTAL AND GETS FRANK WITH KNUCKLEHEADS IN HIGH PLACES.
This month frank wrote to The Golden Arches themselves: McDONALD'S!
Dear McSir or McMadam,
As a lifelong patron of McDonald’s, I felt compelled to write you a letter in regards to your current Monopoly promotional game. I’ve been playing for over a decade, but still I have never managed to win a thing other than a free McDLT in 1991 and an Egg McMuffin in 1999. This may not be an issue for normal people, but when Monopoly hits, my consumption goes up a whopping 15,000%. A few years back I married a lovely widower and adopted her two darling children. I then knew I had the help to end my losing streak. At first, the contest seemed like a great idea. My wife and step-kids loved going to your restaurants and collecting the pieces. “Look, Dad, I got Atlantic Avenue!” my son said. “Good job, son. I love you,” I returned. We would all watch in anticipation as someone pulled off their pieces, waiting to see if we’d be the next big winner. It brought us together as a family. Then the darkness came. My obsession went into overdrive. I started taking the family to McDonald’s three or four times a day. My wife protested, stating that the kids couldn’t receive a properly nutritious diet at your establishment. I told her to shut the hell up and eat her Big Mac. Within a week, we had most of the pieces. By the second week, the children started to complain. I told them we had to buckle down if we wanted to be big winners. “Look, Daddy, I got another Atlantic Avenue!” my son said. It was the 15th one we had gotten that week. I took my son’s fries and crammed them into his face. I told him that Daddy hates losers and to go get another large fry. He said he wanted dessert and asked if he could get an apple pie. “Are there fucking game pieces on apple pies, dumbass?” He shook his head no and got another carton of fries. Then my daughter started complaining that she felt sick after her third Super Sized Big Mac Meal and didn’t want to eat anymore because she had already gained 36 pounds since we started. I drug her into the bathroom and forced her to vomit. “Don’t worry, hon,” I told her, “you’ll be doing this anyway when you get to high school.” I felt kind of bad, so I only made her drink ten Super Sized beverages before we left. At the contest’s end, we had every piece you could possibly get and still won nothing. My wife left me soon after. Your stupid son-of-a-bitching contest has destroyed my life and my family. I think the least you swindling bastards can do for me is send me the $20 prize just to prove that your contest isn’t fixed.
Sincerely,
frank putzerelli
DO YOU KNOW A PERSON OR COMPANY THAT YOU THINK FRANK SHOULD WRITE TO? IF SO, EMAIL HIM AT FRANK@TLCHICKEN.COM
This month frank wrote to The Golden Arches themselves: McDONALD'S!
Dear McSir or McMadam,
As a lifelong patron of McDonald’s, I felt compelled to write you a letter in regards to your current Monopoly promotional game. I’ve been playing for over a decade, but still I have never managed to win a thing other than a free McDLT in 1991 and an Egg McMuffin in 1999. This may not be an issue for normal people, but when Monopoly hits, my consumption goes up a whopping 15,000%. A few years back I married a lovely widower and adopted her two darling children. I then knew I had the help to end my losing streak. At first, the contest seemed like a great idea. My wife and step-kids loved going to your restaurants and collecting the pieces. “Look, Dad, I got Atlantic Avenue!” my son said. “Good job, son. I love you,” I returned. We would all watch in anticipation as someone pulled off their pieces, waiting to see if we’d be the next big winner. It brought us together as a family. Then the darkness came. My obsession went into overdrive. I started taking the family to McDonald’s three or four times a day. My wife protested, stating that the kids couldn’t receive a properly nutritious diet at your establishment. I told her to shut the hell up and eat her Big Mac. Within a week, we had most of the pieces. By the second week, the children started to complain. I told them we had to buckle down if we wanted to be big winners. “Look, Daddy, I got another Atlantic Avenue!” my son said. It was the 15th one we had gotten that week. I took my son’s fries and crammed them into his face. I told him that Daddy hates losers and to go get another large fry. He said he wanted dessert and asked if he could get an apple pie. “Are there fucking game pieces on apple pies, dumbass?” He shook his head no and got another carton of fries. Then my daughter started complaining that she felt sick after her third Super Sized Big Mac Meal and didn’t want to eat anymore because she had already gained 36 pounds since we started. I drug her into the bathroom and forced her to vomit. “Don’t worry, hon,” I told her, “you’ll be doing this anyway when you get to high school.” I felt kind of bad, so I only made her drink ten Super Sized beverages before we left. At the contest’s end, we had every piece you could possibly get and still won nothing. My wife left me soon after. Your stupid son-of-a-bitching contest has destroyed my life and my family. I think the least you swindling bastards can do for me is send me the $20 prize just to prove that your contest isn’t fixed.
Sincerely,
frank putzerelli
DO YOU KNOW A PERSON OR COMPANY THAT YOU THINK FRANK SHOULD WRITE TO? IF SO, EMAIL HIM AT FRANK@TLCHICKEN.COM
artid
212
Old Image
4_1_putz.swf
issue
vol 4 - issue 01 (sep 2001)
section
stories