THE TUNG-BRUSH

The box says Dr. Wieder's Original Tung-Brush (DWOTB) promotes better hygiene while giving you fresher breath. With its short bristles, special round head and unique Tung-Gel, it is supposed to keep your mouth minty-fresh. Now, everyone knows my mouth smells like an industrial toilet, so I gave it a whirl with mixed results. Have you ever seen a retarded person brush their teeth? I sure did when I used the Tung-Brush. I felt like a moron because I couldn't hold my tongue straight, and I kept drooling. By the time I was finished I had to wipe my elbows. Not to mention, every three seconds or so I had to hold back a spasm from my stomach. Inducing vomiting while attempting to get a clean tongue defeats the purpose, doesn't it? When I was done, I noticed the foam in my mouth was becoming red. Yes, the special DWOTB left my tongue looking like chopped ham. But at least I have great breath! If it were up to me, I would advertise the DWOTB as follows:
• Notice the joy you'll receive while you drool like a retard!
• Joyfully brush while retching to the beat of "Oh, What a Beautiful Morning", as you gag your way toward sublime breath!
• Notice the mangled shambles that is your tongue while you delightfully gargle with your favorite mouthwash, you sadistic bastard!
Look for this fine product at a store near you, or visit their website here.