FRANKLIN FURTER'S MATTERS OF THE HEART

Dear Franklin,

So, two months ago I met this girl at a bar and we start talking about art-- nothing monumental or anything, but interesting none the less. As we were leaving she insists we see each other again. I admit my head is kind of fuzzy having just gotten out of a relationship, but she was smart, funny, and definitely attractive, so I returned her enthusiasm and agreed. Franklin, that was two months ago, and we still have not seen each other since. She has called numerous times to make plans, but she has also called the same number of times to change them. It’s like a strange comical game, and I’m just a spectator. If I was calling her and she wasn’t interested I would give up, but she is the one calling me! Please help me understand.

Not answering my own calls,

- Irv Gleaning, Montrose, Pennsylvania

Irv,

I assure you that if I knew the answer to this type of question I would not be giving the answer away for free. No, sir, I would live in a modest hut atop a mountain and would disperse wisdom to love-lorn seekers who brought me food and riches. Yes, with the type of wisdom you are requesting I could practically rule the world. To make a point, I even asked everybody’s favorite quantum physicist Erwin Schrödinger, and even though he passed away in 1961, I am confident that the answer he gave me yesterday would have been the same answer he would have given at the pinnacle of his wisdom in 1960. That was a joke, Irv. He didn’t have an answer-- nobody does. You see, as men (even as sensitive men who read psychology books) there is only an outer crust of knowledge which can be understood about the wily woman. The rest, my friend, shall forever remain a mystery. Unless, of course, you simply ask her. But then there wouldn’t be much to talk about at the bar, and I might lose my job.

Dear Franklin,

I know that this isn’t related to your column, but I saw something on the news last week about the Secret Service coming to ask you some questions because of that thing you wrote about hookers giving President Bush a blowjob. Did that really happen? Did they rough you up any?

Curious about the media,

- Dylan Moore

Dylan,

I am not able to confirm or deny that at this time. Next question: here, let me help you....

Dear me,

Last week I told all of the people at the place I work that someone needs to do something about our boss. Our profits are way down, lots of people are out of work, and the company is basically going down the shitter. Anyway, nobody did anything except have reveries about their beds and televisions, so I went home. Well, no sooner had the salmon finished grilling than the door came bursting down, and some goons from work roughed me up and told me to keep quiet. Fortunately, News Channel 7 was filming a cat in a tree next door, so my beating was somehow broadcast on live television. Unfortunately, everyone at the station was paid off, and now I see the goons around my house every morning. Has anything like this ever happened to you?

At your computer,

- Me

Ha! No, I was just pulling your leg, Dylan. I’m fine, ha ha ha... ughhh. Damn, I hope spring hurries up and gets here, because these holiday times are kinda slow for the game of love.