SHAKE MACHINE STILL DOWN!

Local fast food joint Burger Winky reported Thursday that their shake machine was still “down.” The news came as no surprise to most Americans who have realized that fast food shake machines are the only things that our goddamned country can not get to work.
Hank Costantino, a defense lawyer who stopped into Burger Winky for a Winky-Waddle combo with a strawberry shake, had this to say: “What the fuck is it about these goddamned shake machines that makes them so impossible to control? We’re America, for Christ’s sake! We sent man to the moon, created the Internet and made it possible for Bill Paxton to be considered a movie star! If we can perform all of these other miracles, why is it still impossible for me to get a motherfucking ice cream beverage?”
We asked Burger Winky employee of the month, Becky Patrick, what was so hard about pouring the shake mixture into the machine and then turning it on. Replied Patrick, “What mixture?”
And so it continues...