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22 December 2023
WHERE OUR MADCAP MAN OF THE HOUR GOES POSTAL AND GETS FRANK WITH KNUCKLEHEADS IN HIGH PLACES.
This month frank wrote to the brilliant minds behind the AIR FORCE INSTANT DRAIN OPENER!
I am writing in regards to your newest item, The Air Force Instant Drain Opener. I was initially sickened and nauseated to find that your product, a glorified, air-powered toilet plunger, shares its name with the branch of the military I hold nearest and dearest to my heart. Perhaps it never occurred to you that many fine men and women in the United States Air Force have paid a terrible price for your freedom-- sometimes losing their lives, limbs or left testicles as a result. Have you ever taken a 45mm anti-aircraft slug in the balls while bombing Hanoi? I think not. Unfortunately, a situation recently arose which required me to swallow my pride and order your product. My wife, Mae Ling, was gluing my prosthetic scrotum back together after inadvertently dropping a bowling ball in my lap. Our hapless cat, Tripod, accidentally sat on the open tube of Super Glue she was using, thus instantly sealing the inside of his little kitty butthole before either of us had an opportunity to react. My wife insisted we take Tripod to the vet, but our meager income, which consists of my disability checks and the interest on the money my wife saved from blowing G.I.'s in ‘Nam, forbade such an extravagance. Then, an idea occurred to me that just might save our poor feline. I quickly placed a rush order in for your product. When it arrived the next day, we strung Tripod up on a clothesline and prepared him for surgery. I inserted the tip of your device carefully into his rectum and squeezed the trigger. The tremendous blast of air opened him up immediately, but it also blew his head through the ceiling and into the neighbor's swimming pool. We said our goodbyes and stir-fried his remains for dinner that evening. I would greatly appreciate it if you would henceforth include a warning on the packaging to prevent this from ever happening again, as I am sure it will. I have enclosed a picture of Tripod moments before his death, which you may use to enhance the message's impact.
Sincerely,
Lt. Col. frank putzerelli
U.S.A.F., Retired
DO YOU KNOW A PERSON OR COMPANY THAT YOU THINK FRANK SHOULD WRITE TO? IF SO, EMAIL HIM AT FRANK@TLCHICKEN.COM
This month frank wrote to the brilliant minds behind the AIR FORCE INSTANT DRAIN OPENER!
I am writing in regards to your newest item, The Air Force Instant Drain Opener. I was initially sickened and nauseated to find that your product, a glorified, air-powered toilet plunger, shares its name with the branch of the military I hold nearest and dearest to my heart. Perhaps it never occurred to you that many fine men and women in the United States Air Force have paid a terrible price for your freedom-- sometimes losing their lives, limbs or left testicles as a result. Have you ever taken a 45mm anti-aircraft slug in the balls while bombing Hanoi? I think not. Unfortunately, a situation recently arose which required me to swallow my pride and order your product. My wife, Mae Ling, was gluing my prosthetic scrotum back together after inadvertently dropping a bowling ball in my lap. Our hapless cat, Tripod, accidentally sat on the open tube of Super Glue she was using, thus instantly sealing the inside of his little kitty butthole before either of us had an opportunity to react. My wife insisted we take Tripod to the vet, but our meager income, which consists of my disability checks and the interest on the money my wife saved from blowing G.I.'s in ‘Nam, forbade such an extravagance. Then, an idea occurred to me that just might save our poor feline. I quickly placed a rush order in for your product. When it arrived the next day, we strung Tripod up on a clothesline and prepared him for surgery. I inserted the tip of your device carefully into his rectum and squeezed the trigger. The tremendous blast of air opened him up immediately, but it also blew his head through the ceiling and into the neighbor's swimming pool. We said our goodbyes and stir-fried his remains for dinner that evening. I would greatly appreciate it if you would henceforth include a warning on the packaging to prevent this from ever happening again, as I am sure it will. I have enclosed a picture of Tripod moments before his death, which you may use to enhance the message's impact.
Sincerely,
Lt. Col. frank putzerelli
U.S.A.F., Retired
DO YOU KNOW A PERSON OR COMPANY THAT YOU THINK FRANK SHOULD WRITE TO? IF SO, EMAIL HIM AT FRANK@TLCHICKEN.COM
artid
239
Old Image
3_11_putz.swf
issue
vol 3 - issue 11 (aug 2001)
section
stories