QUESTIONS KIDS HAVE

Do you have kids? Despite what the courts may say, I most definitely don’t. But I have friends who do. And when they leave their bastard children with me (CONTACT: VINNIE'S AWESOME DAYCARE AT vinnie@tlchicken.com), I learn a lot about how the child’s mind works.
The little slobber-monsters are constantly asking questions, like “Why is the sky blue?”, “Where do babies come from?”, and “Will we ever return to the wondrous ways of 15th Century Feudalism?”
How do you answer them? Do you tell them the truth, and deal with the tantrum they throw at the disappointment truth always brings? Or do you make up some stupid-ass answer involving God, Faeries or Howie Mandel? Well, I’ll tell you.
Here’s a scenario, and how I would handle it:
Dumb child: “Uncle vinnie, where does rain come from?”


Smart vinnie: “That's a stupid question. Run along and play now.”
Sure, you could’ve told him about evaporation and condensation. Or you could have said some gay shit like, “It’s God crying.” But let’s be serious here. The kid’s brain is as big as a clam. He’ll totally forget that first answer. And unless you want your kid to grow up and join some subway-bombing religious cult, you’ll bite your tongue on that second one.
By taking my approach, and telling a child that all of his/her questions are stupid, you’ll spare them the agony and humiliation of muttering an incorrect answer in school. Kids are cruel, and they beat all the stupid kids at recess. Especially when they give wrong answers in class.
Plus, by telling them their question is stupid, you’ll discourage them from relying on you for everything. They’ll begin to take advantage of the volumes of wisdom our great libraries hold, and they’ll see the infinite educational possibilities the Internet possesses. If you spoil them with answers, be they true or false, they’ll grow accustomed to the easy life, and having everything handed to them on a silver platter. They’ll develop drug habits at an early age, get busted whoring themselves out for a quick fix, and end up on Springer or Montel (Preferably Springer. Have you seen that shit lately? Hee-larious.). And it will be all your fault.
So you have to ask yourself: do you want to be the bad parent who answers every damn who, what, when, where and why your kids throw at you, turning them into selfless, lazy asswipes? Or do you want to be the good parent and make your kids learn for themselves?
Then just remember these four simple words: “That’s a stupid question.” It’s music to your childrens’ ears.