I'M BACK!

I warned you! I know it’s been a little over 1,968 years, but I am back and better than ever. Forget that lame-o, goodie-goodie Jesus you learned about in Bible School. No more healing of the leprosy and what have you. That is so B.C. I’m new Christ! Fun Christ! Hip Christ! My pants are big and my cell phone is blowin up. When I’m driving around the Holy Land in my Chevy Tahoe, I’m cold pimpin to ill shit like Aaron Carter and J-La. Now I know you were expecting a crusty, 2000-year-old honky, but my agent said that I gots to appease the 18-30-year-olds. They’re the ones layin the phat cash in the Sunday donation basket, if you know what I’m sayin, boyee! Kids and old people: See ya! Wouldn’t want to be ya. My agent also suggested that I should look into changing my name. Jesus H. Christ is Jesus H. Lame! So, from this day forth, my name will be the symbol pictured on the page here. I’m not exactly sure how you pronounce it, because our ad agency never told us. Until I find out, you can refer to me as “The Messiah Formerly Known As Jesus H. Christ.” It’s kind of long, but I got somethin’ even longer. You feel me, ladies? Boo-yah! Seriously though, I gotta run. I’ve got an interview with Access Hollywood in, like, two minutes. But before I go, does anyone know of any raves coming up soon? If so, call my celly. Peace be with you and all that other shit.