admin
22 December 2023
Maybe I’m the odd man out, but I can’t remember the last time I had a good night’s rest. Think you share in my pain? Read the following scenarios. If any of them seem uncomfortably familiar to you, know that we’re in the same league.
Drooling: Perhaps the most harmless of all sleep disorders, drooling is also the most common. Nearly 83% of all Americans drool heavily in their sleep. Actually, they don’t. I made that up.
Talking: There is a very large handful of us who speak in our slumber. Words, fragments, inaugural speeches-- we say it all. Experts say this is a sure sign of an active imagination. Actually, I made that up, too.
Walking: Yes, some people do actually walk in their sleep. It’s very dangerous. Especially when you surround their bed with bear traps.
Performing everyday routines: I’ve had a few jobs that required so little brainpower I actually did them while sleeping. And I know plenty of others who’ve done the same. My brother tried to cut his hair while sleeping once. And my ex-girlfriend’s father raised his children far better when he was asleep than awake.
International Espionage: My Uncle Ming took a nap one afternoon in the ‘80s and completely sabotaged Muammar Qadhafi’s entire nuclear weapons operation. He didn’t even wake until they awarded him a Medal of Honor on the steps of our nation’s capitol.
Voting: Despite what Carson Daly may tell you (see: “Hey kids, I’m a douchebag!”), voting is a lewd behavior performed only by those who maneuver through life sound asleep. Namely the elderly.
Abstinence: It is a proven medical fact that virgins are virgins simply because they suffer from horrible sleep disorders. They fall asleep in the car. They fall asleep in movies. They fall asleep while you’re talking to them. Virginity is like narcolepsy, except narcoleptics get laid.
If you suffer from any of these conditions, please get help. Life is too precious to sleep through your scheduled waking hours. For more information on sleep disorders, email me here.
Drooling: Perhaps the most harmless of all sleep disorders, drooling is also the most common. Nearly 83% of all Americans drool heavily in their sleep. Actually, they don’t. I made that up.
Talking: There is a very large handful of us who speak in our slumber. Words, fragments, inaugural speeches-- we say it all. Experts say this is a sure sign of an active imagination. Actually, I made that up, too.
Walking: Yes, some people do actually walk in their sleep. It’s very dangerous. Especially when you surround their bed with bear traps.
Performing everyday routines: I’ve had a few jobs that required so little brainpower I actually did them while sleeping. And I know plenty of others who’ve done the same. My brother tried to cut his hair while sleeping once. And my ex-girlfriend’s father raised his children far better when he was asleep than awake.
International Espionage: My Uncle Ming took a nap one afternoon in the ‘80s and completely sabotaged Muammar Qadhafi’s entire nuclear weapons operation. He didn’t even wake until they awarded him a Medal of Honor on the steps of our nation’s capitol.
Voting: Despite what Carson Daly may tell you (see: “Hey kids, I’m a douchebag!”), voting is a lewd behavior performed only by those who maneuver through life sound asleep. Namely the elderly.
Abstinence: It is a proven medical fact that virgins are virgins simply because they suffer from horrible sleep disorders. They fall asleep in the car. They fall asleep in movies. They fall asleep while you’re talking to them. Virginity is like narcolepsy, except narcoleptics get laid.
If you suffer from any of these conditions, please get help. Life is too precious to sleep through your scheduled waking hours. For more information on sleep disorders, email me here.
artid
274
Old Image
3_10_sleepy.swf
issue
vol 3 - issue 10 (jun 2001)
section
stories