#1 FAN

I remember a time when riots were a video clip from a far-off country shown on CNN. I’d shake my head and think, “Man, what a shitty place to live.” Today those video feeds are live via our backyards. What start as peaceful demonstrations escalate into destructive riots. There are assemblies I consider joining if only to meet chicks, but I wisely stay rooted in my easy-chair waiting for the highlights on the news. The reason I don’t give a shit about your cause is because there will always be some asshole that throws a bottle or a rock. This makes the police combative. The crowd follows the lead of the asshole with the rock. When the smoke and tear gas clear, the city is trashed and the validity of the demonstration is overshadowed by the damage left behind. The legitimate protesters are left holding the responsibility and cleaning up the mess. Destroying your community just shows the world that we can’t handle ourselves like rational human beings, and that Americans are, in fact, the assholes of the universe-- a crown and title best left to the French. I’m not so bold to assume that this article will reach Denver, Los Angeles or even Cincinnati. But I am sure that it will land in the hands of an Ohio State University student. Listen up: A big win over Michigan, although vital to the grand scheme of your little world, is not a reason to riot, act like assholes, molest women, and set the town ablaze. You are Americans with real sports, not some half-assed country with a shitty game like soccer. Act like it. Enjoy the game, wave your foam finger and go the fuck home. Recently there seems to be no need for a reason to riot. What’s the matter? Is the downer of your ecstacy high getting boozed up and destroying the entire block? Maybe you guys should stick to toga parties and sucking each others’ dicks. Make sure you wave to mommy and daddy as they shove your dumb ass into the cruiser. Later, when they tearfully bail you out, you can explain to them that while your GPA is a negative number, you have earned the respect of your “brothers” with your uncanny ability to chug a beer with both thumbs up your ass. Animal House was a movie and Belushi is dead. Give it up, halfwits. Speaking of halfwits, we live in a big business world where everything is sold in a bright package with a snappy jingle that never leaves your head. The corporate assimilation of Woodstock '99 was appalling. Bottled water and a taco shouldn’t cost ten bucks, but it’s hardly an excuse to rape and pillage to the strains of Limp Bizkit. What, did you people run out of Ritalin? It’s a rock concert, not Bosnia! If by chance in one of his irreverent songs about “the nookie,” Fred Durst says go jump into a wood chipper, please do. Show us all how angry you are because nobody likes poor, neglected you. The world is turning into one big episode of Jerry Springer, and the Funk has a final thought of his own: You all make me sick! So sick that there is a permanent pool of bile at the back of my throat that I cannot choke down. You’re nothing but a bunch of brainless lemmings devoid of reason, remorse or original thought. All waiting for the next TV opportunity to show your ignorance, your ass and lack of respect for anyone and everyone. Grow the fuck up!