LESSON-O-RAMA

You know, learning doesn’t just happen five days a week. If you’re like me, education runs deep. 24/7/365. Take last month, for example. I went bowling with some friends in honor of Miss Tina Wells’ birthday. What did I learn? That bowling is the greatest sport ever invented. For starters, they force you to wear stylish patent leather shoes. Sure they smell like a GI’s bootcamp undies, but you get over it when you see how nice you look in them. Bowling is also a rare breed of sport in that you can drink beer while playing. Sweet! Nevermind the fact that you’re hurling a 16-pound ball while you drink your Budweiser. It’s absolutely safe! My friend Stan Plymale tried to tell me golf was also a sport where you can drink while playing. Silly bastard. Golf isn’t a sport. Once my bowling buddies and I realized the seven-year-old kids next to us were bowling a better game than we were, we skedaddled. Since we were horrible at the actual bowling part of bowling, but really good at the drinking part, we headed for a bar. And yes, you guessed it - the learning continued. Even at the bar. Apparently, Friday nights are a special theme night. I’m guessing “Lucky in Leather.” Though no fetish attire was present, the male drinkers all sported shiny black leather jackets and shoes. Black must be the “in” color, because the only chroma present in any male attire that evening was in my wardrobe. I also was not notified about the wet hair look being back in style. Is Richard Grieco popular again? He must be, because every Richard Grieco look-alike was in the bar. Much well-groomed facial hair was also present. There were many lessons to be learned about women that evening, too. I learned that women don’t have to pay for drinks. It must be the law. I don’t remember seeing one single female pay for her own beverage. Of course, they had to deal with the clingy, drooling meathead who bought it for them, but that’s small potatoes. That evening I realized that I’m not exactly cut out for that kind of social life. Let me rephrase that- my paycheck isn’t cut out for that kind of social life. I was shocked to hear my accountant couldn’t write off that much alcohol. Some accountant. I guess I learned my final lesson of the night the hard way.