HAGAR THE HORRIBLE!

CABO SAN LUCAS, MEXICO (AP) - Tensions continue to mount at Sammy Hagar’s infamous Cabo Wabo Cantina as the club saw its twelfth forcible ejection in half as many days.
31-year-old go-cart repairman Rodney “Hot Rod” Williams had spent the last five years of his life dreaming of the day when he and his underage girlfriend could fly to Mexico and taste the magic of Sammy’s Cabo Wabo Tequila. His dreams were shattered, however, when he was quietly asked to leave the bar by none other than the Red Rocker himself.
“He told me that I wasn’t cool enough to be in his establishment and that my very presence irritated his awesome sense of creativity,” cried Hot Rod, sobbing into his beer. “He’s so awesome, what with those fashionable red and white-striped, oversized weightlifter pants and matching red wife-beater. No wonder he didn’t want a loser like me in there.”
Hot Rod tried to protest, only to find himself thrown through the front door by the new head doorman of the club: other ex-Van Halen front man, Gary Cherone. When questioned about the incident, Hagar claimed that Hot Rod’s astronomical suckiness was distracting him from penning his new tune “Hot Ballz”, a love ballad from his upcoming album I Can’t Drive 65, Either.