• “This place is dead anyway, man.”
• British Knight sneakers
• Quality television
• Chef Paul Prudhomme’s pole vaulting days
• Wicker
• My metabolism
• The Women’s Liberation Movement
• Ronald Reagan’s memory
• The little Arkansas girl described in the chain letter I neglected to forward to 50 people, causing her untimely death
• Princess Diana
• The ferret in my trousers
• Hall & Oates
• Any foreigner dumb enough to fuck with Bruce Willis in any of the Die Hard movies
• Anna Nicole Smith’s husband
• The art of ventriloquism
• My hopes of winning the lottery
• People without HMO coverage
• Rudy Huxtable’s fish
• The Ropers
• Puffy paint
• Mr. Potato Head’s pipe
• Bernie (from Weekend at Bernie’s)
• Maude Flanders
• The colors teal and mauve
• My left testicle (from misuse)
• Piracy (Arrgh! It be a travesty!)
• Crystal Pepsi
• That midget from Kid Rock
• Disco (again)
• Latin
• Optimus Prime (temporarily)
• My roommate (soon)
• Chivalry
• Saturday Night Live
• Common sense
• A growing number of my hair follicles
• The old lady who swallowed a fly
• Acid-washed jeans
• Stryper’s Rock and Roll Hall of Fame bid
• Jell-O Pudding Pops
• The Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin (wait a week or two)
• The radio star
• Any meal ever put in front of Rosie O’Donnell
• Gary Coleman’s pituitary gland
• Bazooka Joe’s depth perception
• The Jordache pony
• Bob Hope (almost)
• That guy in my trunk
• Metallica’s dignity
• Michael Landon
• The obligatory tit shot in PG movies
• Bob Dole’s hand
• Mary Todd Lincoln
• My pet rock
• Napster
• This joke