JUST A GIGOLO

For some cruel, cosmic reason, yours truly seems to be caught in a veritable sexual time warp. Plainly put, I’m not getting laid nearly as much as a man of my stature should be. Now I know the first thing to pop into your mind is that my name is screwing me up. What honest, God-fearing woman would sleep with a man named debbie, right? Well that doesn’t amount to a hill of shit! Superstar Stacey Keech (of Mike Hammer fame) gets more action than an aborigine chief in Holland, and his name is Stacey! I just don’t get it. I’m 6’1” with a mustache, glasses, and a shapely beer gut. A modern Adonis if you will. But even with all that, it’s just like Fat Lip said: “She keeps on passing me by.” As if that’s not bad enough, the media has to throw sex in my face like a sweaty jock strap. I’ve never seen Temptation Island or The Real World: New Guinea, but from what the masses tell me, they’re situations where people are locked up in a small environment and left to hump like jackalopes. By Thor’s hammer, even Kurt Vonnegut wrote the inescapable fact that, “You should make love when you can. It’s good for you.” So what’s the deal, ladies? What do I have to do to score that big fourth quarter touchdown for team testosterone? Email me at debbie@tlchicken.com and let me know. I’ll be waiting with my pants down.