admin
22 December 2023
I could go on forever about how Valentine’s Day is a scabbed-over knife wound on the face of everything pagan holidays stand for, but I’m not going to. I’ve come to appreciate the beast for what it is: the one day of the year when my unappreciated ass can score a date! Even if it was arranged in the sweaty dungeons of tastes like chicken headquarters, beggars can’t be choosers. That fact was way too evident when our lucky winner of “Date with Debbie 2001” (aka “DWD2K+1”) called in during our monthly television appearance on the hit variety show, 19 @ Noon. The caller said her name was Matthew, and even though she claimed to have more curves than a cul de sac, her voice was more Roy Orbison than Debbie Harry. But like I said, beggars can’t be choosers. So we declared her the winner.
THE PICK-UP: To my pleasant surprise, Matthew was 100% female. She was just as curvaceous as promised and had a naughty librarian vibe going on, just like The Baroness in G.I. Joe. Spicy! Matthew asked me where we were going for dinner. Of course, dinner and a movie is so overdone that I arranged for an alternate night of planned passion: a movie and laundry. She objected loudly at first, but shut up quickly when I started acting like I couldn’t hear her.
THE MOVIE: We ended up seeing Snatch. Just like darby said in his review last month, the movie has absolutely nothing to do with snatch. That’s not to say it wasn’t on my mind the whole time.
THE LAUNDRY: I think Matthew really enjoyed helping me do my laundry. Like most people, she was hesitant to handle my permanent press, but once we got to the knit/delicates, Matthew put her head down and plowed through like a trooper. They haven’t made women like that since the suffrage.
THE NIGHTCAP: I didn’t really feel like driving Matthew home and suggested that she take the bus. She tried to play like she was angry, but I know deep down, Matthew was more than happy to relieve me of the burden of motor vehicle operation.
THE VERDICT: I think our date went beautifully. I got to spend two hours in the dark pondering the mysteries of female genitalia. Plus, I’ve finally got some stain-free skivvies to wear. We should really do it again sometime Matthew, and soon! I’m almost out of clean socks.
THE PICK-UP: To my pleasant surprise, Matthew was 100% female. She was just as curvaceous as promised and had a naughty librarian vibe going on, just like The Baroness in G.I. Joe. Spicy! Matthew asked me where we were going for dinner. Of course, dinner and a movie is so overdone that I arranged for an alternate night of planned passion: a movie and laundry. She objected loudly at first, but shut up quickly when I started acting like I couldn’t hear her.
THE MOVIE: We ended up seeing Snatch. Just like darby said in his review last month, the movie has absolutely nothing to do with snatch. That’s not to say it wasn’t on my mind the whole time.
THE LAUNDRY: I think Matthew really enjoyed helping me do my laundry. Like most people, she was hesitant to handle my permanent press, but once we got to the knit/delicates, Matthew put her head down and plowed through like a trooper. They haven’t made women like that since the suffrage.
THE NIGHTCAP: I didn’t really feel like driving Matthew home and suggested that she take the bus. She tried to play like she was angry, but I know deep down, Matthew was more than happy to relieve me of the burden of motor vehicle operation.
THE VERDICT: I think our date went beautifully. I got to spend two hours in the dark pondering the mysteries of female genitalia. Plus, I’ve finally got some stain-free skivvies to wear. We should really do it again sometime Matthew, and soon! I’m almost out of clean socks.
artid
352
Old Image
3_7_washer.swf
issue
vol 3 - issue 07 (mar 2001)
section
stories