WHY I HATE THE MOVIES

Racist humor is not funny. Old people jokes are not funny. Villains with foreign accents are not funny. Potty humor can be funny, but not very often. And even then, only in very small doses. Sexist jokes are not funny. Great books make bad screenplays. Cartoons do not translate well into full-length features. Old sitcoms do not translate well into full-length features. Everyone knows sequels generally suck, but is it just me or does it seem no one spends half the creative effort on a second or third dose as they did the first? Sappy music does not add suspense, but serves to drain it. Padding a film with an extra half hour does not make the audience feel like they got their money’s worth, but that they wasted their time. Pandering to the lowest common denominator will get you, well, you do the math. Catch phrases are not catchy, just annoying. And having 20 guys collaborate on a script is like eating 20 different kinds of oatmeal all at once. Cold oatmeal, at that. No one has ever bought a movie ticket just to see its special effects. Likewise, no one wants to see a 60-year-old man doing action movies, or a kung-fu specialist hamming his way through romance. Speaking of romance, pairing an octogenarian with some woman half his age and calling it a “love story” might make the dirty old man in your neighborhood happy, but no one else. Casting pretty faces with questionable acting abilities makes for a fluffy pastry-- attractive on the outside but not very satisfying or filling. Seen any good Freddie Prinze, Jr. movies lately? A four-star Sandra Bullock flick? Didn’t think so. Any movie that has been described as one of the following is automatically a pile of garbage: “laugh-out-loud funny;” “year’s first must-see movie;” “the year’s best buddy cop movie;” “an edge-of-your-seat thriller.” Then again, you get what you pay for, and sending payola to some big name movie critic to endorse one of these phrases is not going to make for a very engrossing commentary. Explosions do not make up for lack of script. Assuming the audience is stupid will only pay off for so long. Paying your star $20 million does not necessarily buy you acting chops, and giving some A-list star a cut of the profits usually lands you one seriously over-blown vanity project. There is light at the end of the tunnel; 2000 has been widely hailed as the worst cinematic year in history. I can only hope that this knowledge will translate into more discriminating movie-goers, reduced box office takes and higher quality fare. Come on, people. It’s not too late. Stay home. Join a yoga class. Do anything but support this crap. Your country will thank you.