LETTERS FROM A PUTZ: FANTASTIC FOODS

WHERE OUR MADCAP MAN OF THE HOUR GOES POSTAL AND GETS FRANK WITH KNUCKLEHEADS IN HIGH PLACES.
This month frank wrote to the food folks at FANTASTIC FOODS!
Dear Fantastic Foods Folks,
I wanted to take this opportunity to write you a letter regarding your Vegetarian Chili Mix and how it has ruined my life. Prior to tasting your false meat, I thought I had finally found peace. Now that is all gone. I was an intelligent young lad who excelled in the area of mathematics. Sometimes I paid for my brilliance with ferocious beatings at the hands of my less gifted classmates. One time, some rather unsavory football players invited me over to their house under the guise of friendship, then tied me up naked to a goalpost and shoved my TI-36X calculator up my ass. However, I always managed to find solace in my mathematical pursuits. Numbers have never lied to me. Numbers have never given me a “swirly” in the men's locker-room toilet. Needless to say, it’s been difficult for me to trust anything or anyone since my painful, formative years. Luckily, after years of self-imposed societal exile, I met a sweet young gal in my accounting firm named Sally. She, too, had spent her high school years tormented in much the same manner that I was (only it was cheerleaders who shoved a calculator into her ass). Finally, I felt I had found something other than numbers I could trust. Boy, was I wrong. She invited me over for tacos one evening, which I thought was odd because she rarely ate any meat other than chicken. However, she knew of my passion for beef, so I assumed she made them for me out of unrequited love. Those tacos sure were tasty-- almost as good as the ones Wendy’s used to serve at their Super Bar. I greedily devoured taco after taco, stopping only when I had fully glutted myself on their meaty goodness. Afterwards, Sally confessed that my beloved taco meat was actually Fantastic Vegetarian Chili Mix. Surely she could have told me beforehand, but instead she opted for lies! Memories of high school washed over me; only this time it was Sally that was my tormentor! It was like she applied an “atomic wedgie” to my poor, aching heart. Rage overcame me and I shoved that plant-eating jezebel’s face into the remnants of the chili mix. Now, I am back to spending my evenings alone with my numbers. By setting your product up as a substitute for real meat, you have inadvertently given the green light to filthy, lying vegetarians everywhere. Since you have ruined my life, I was wondering if you could send me a free case of Vegetarian Chili Mix to soothe my aching heart.
Sincerely,
frank putzerelli
DO YOU KNOW A PERSON OR COMPANY THAT YOU THINK FRANK SHOULD WRITE TO? IF SO, EMAIL HIM AT FRANK@TLCHICKEN.COM