MONKEY SEE, MONKEY DO ME

Ever go to the zoo and watch the monkeys do it? The old Italian family next door insists that monkeys don’t “a-do it. They-a make-a love.” I disagree. The monkeys do do it. I know. I watch them. Now, don’t go thinking I’m some crazy bearded wilderness guy holed up in some shanty in Montana who likes to watch monkeys do it. I’m not crazy (or bearded!). I just like to learn. And if they can broadcast monkeys doing it on Animal Planet, then I can go and witness it first hand. It’s really quite amazing. The guy monkeys are so fast. It’s as if God put speedboat motors in their little male monkey pelvises. They hump about 90 miles per second! Those poor girl monkeys must get pretty sore after all that. Heck, I’d be willing to bet their little bits and pieces have a bruise or two. And there isn’t much foreplay. No dinner and a movie. Just full-on animal lust! Lu-cky! If you haven’t seen the monkeys do it, I highly encourage you to go to the zoo as soon as you can and see this feat of nature for yourself. It’s not so gross. It’s definitely way better than walking in on your parents. And if you’re nervous about talking to your kids about the “birds and the bees,” skip it altogether and head straight for the monkey house. If your children can’t learn all they need to know about sex from watching the monkeys do it, then they’re just going to have to get used to being virgins forever.