admin
22 December 2023
EDITOR'S NOTE: This by no means applies to every truck driver in America. Just the ones that nearly sideswiped our dear, embittered vinnie. We apologize to the few of you who do drive cautiously and courteously.
Let’s get one thing clear: I am friend to the blue-collar American. I respect the burdens they bear. I appreciate the blood, sweat and tears they shed. But I’ll be damned if I continue to respect the trucker. This bitter hatred took seed sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Over the course of that time span, I found myself driving the good drive home six times. It’s a two-and-a- half hour drive on a good day. Three or four on holidays. With all the traffic, winter weather and construction, the last thing I need is some sausage gravy-eating inbred cutting me off. Like an army of Optimus Prime goliaths, trucks hog the highway. They drive at Mach speeds, hauling cargo that, if it were to fall from their carelessly secured beds, could kill everything within a quarter-mile radius. And they mock your frustration by placing bumper stickers on their vehicles that say “How’s my driving? Call 1-800-something-or-other”. Of course those stickers are conveniently worn out over the last four digits. Well, truck drivers of America, I’ve got FIVE digits for you: E-A-T-M-E! Eat me, you flannel wearing cave dwellers! I don’t care that you’re hauling “precious cargo that makes this country run.” If having you mouth breathers removed from the highways means I don’t get to enjoy certain products, then so be it. You’re knuckle-dragging maniacs for driving like you do. Or maybe you aren’t driving. Maybe you’re letting your blind piano playing friend do it. That’s what it seems like when I see your rear left blinker three inches from my windshield. And you’d be surprised how well I can avoid driving into the ditches you almost run me into when I’m busy waving my middle finger at you. So beware my wrath the next time you step into your vehicle. Don’t have that last swill of hooch. Don’t blare that Conway Twitty tape. And please, don’t put one of those fucking stickers on the back of your truck. I hate that.
Let’s get one thing clear: I am friend to the blue-collar American. I respect the burdens they bear. I appreciate the blood, sweat and tears they shed. But I’ll be damned if I continue to respect the trucker. This bitter hatred took seed sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Over the course of that time span, I found myself driving the good drive home six times. It’s a two-and-a- half hour drive on a good day. Three or four on holidays. With all the traffic, winter weather and construction, the last thing I need is some sausage gravy-eating inbred cutting me off. Like an army of Optimus Prime goliaths, trucks hog the highway. They drive at Mach speeds, hauling cargo that, if it were to fall from their carelessly secured beds, could kill everything within a quarter-mile radius. And they mock your frustration by placing bumper stickers on their vehicles that say “How’s my driving? Call 1-800-something-or-other”. Of course those stickers are conveniently worn out over the last four digits. Well, truck drivers of America, I’ve got FIVE digits for you: E-A-T-M-E! Eat me, you flannel wearing cave dwellers! I don’t care that you’re hauling “precious cargo that makes this country run.” If having you mouth breathers removed from the highways means I don’t get to enjoy certain products, then so be it. You’re knuckle-dragging maniacs for driving like you do. Or maybe you aren’t driving. Maybe you’re letting your blind piano playing friend do it. That’s what it seems like when I see your rear left blinker three inches from my windshield. And you’d be surprised how well I can avoid driving into the ditches you almost run me into when I’m busy waving my middle finger at you. So beware my wrath the next time you step into your vehicle. Don’t have that last swill of hooch. Don’t blare that Conway Twitty tape. And please, don’t put one of those fucking stickers on the back of your truck. I hate that.
artid
385
Old Image
3_6_truck.swf
issue
vol 3 - issue 06 (feb 2001)
section
stories