MOST AWKWARD MOMENT - PEARL HARBOR: Not the actual bombing, but the movie. That part where Ben Affleck tells Cuba Gooding Jr., “I can’t believe they let you make another movie,” and Cuba’s like, “That’s funny. I was gonna say the same thing to you.”
FAVORITE BOB SAGET SHOW - GROWING PAINS: Saget brought the character of Jason Seaver, the “goofy father,” to life. Wait a minute. That was Alan Thicke. Ah, screw it. What’s the fucking difference, really?
JOEL SCHUMACHER - GEORGE LUCAS: For three reasons. First: Star Wars Episode 1. Second: Jar Jar Binks. And lastly: hiring M. Night Shyamalan to write the script for Indiana Jones 4. George, it’s not too late. You can still save Indy. It doesn’t have to turn to shit like Star Wars. You can’t even get the original versions of Star Wars, anymore. Just the “Special Editions.” You took the only good thing you’ve made and ruined it!
BEST AFRO - JAZZ/FUNK ORGANIST, BILLY PRESTON: An accomplished session musician, Billy has played with greats ranging from Mahalia Jackson to the Beatles. But that does not change one simple fact-– the brother has the sweetest ‘fro ever. It’s as if his entire head is being overrun and crushed by his wild, untamed nap, only to be thwarted by the sunshine power of his gap-toothed smile.
PRESIDENT - SUNNYDALE ELEMENTARY PTA PRESIDENT, EDITH MANNING: Aside from raising record funds for Sunnydale's new computer learning center, she also raised community awareness and campus morale to new levels.
BEST REASON TO NOT GO ON LIVING - SLAP BRACELETS: I can’t find them anywhere!
ASSASSINATION - SUNNYDALE ELEMENTARY PTA PRESIDENT, EDITH MANNING: Manning was stoned to death by a small mob of angry parents who apparently had enough of "that snooty bitch’s incessant goody-goody yapping."
HOT MOM - JACK WEBB’S MOM: Duh. Still a mom. Still hot.
HUNGARIAN - BORLOF YORNMACHER: Yeah, those silly Hungarians aren’t known for doing much of anything, but this year the prize goes to Borlof for single-handedly shaving his own back.
FLY ASS HONEY - SUE BEE HONEY: This shit is the bomb! It’s good on fries! It’s good on chicken! It’s good on a military man’s hard washboard stomach! Um, did I say that out loud?
FASHION FAUX PAS - GIRLS: What else can I say?
BEST NON-BUTTER BUTTER PRODUCT - THE BUTTER SHIT: That’s right, kids. No one can resist the non-butter buttery goodness of the miracle bond between chemicals and aborted circus freaks. The name speaks for itself.
MEATBALL - ALL COVERED WITH CHEESE: This one goes out to that poor meatball. You know, the one that was all on top of some gnarly pasta and cheese. That is, until somebody sneezed.
DOT COM - TASTYPICK.COM: Dedicated to the advancement of better nose picking. It heralds award-winning gold miners and serves as an educational tool of fine booger refinery skills.
BOY SCOUT - RON JEREMY: For his performance in the 1981 porn classic Bad Girls. Ron plays Slater, a peeping tom scoutmaster. Jeremy dons an official Boy Scout uniform, but for some unknown reason, never wears pants. Ever.
HIPSTER - STEVE MARTIN: Face it, the man has had gray hair since age five and is still a lot hipper than men half his age. What can I say? He’s still a wild and crazy guy!
DAPPER DAN - MOHANDAS GANDHI: For a guy who got assassinated 53 years ago, Gandhi was a pretty happening mofo. Who else could rock the sandy tunic look and make it look oh-so-saucy?
UNWANTED PREGNANCY - BLOSSOM: This buck-toothed beauty could cut down entire forests with that snaggled grill. I didn’t want her and television didn’t want her. I don’t even think Ellen Degeneres would want her.