DICK CLARK SURVIVES DEBUT

MANHATTAN, NY (AP) - 150-something-year-old pop culture icon Dick Clark survived the debut episode of ABC’s new Rockin' New Year Kill Dick Clark Fest. The program, which pits the aging, brittle emcee against roughly two million armed Times Square partygoers, premiered before a record-breaking viewing audience. Unaware of Rockin' New Year Kill Dick Clark Fest’s theme, Clark began a lengthy spiel about the “scheduled entertainment,” but was interrupted by a tossed bottle smashing against his nearly mummified skull. Then another. Then another. And so on and so forth. ABC has not yet determined how they will maintain the element of surprise in next year’s program.