I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!

I’ve got a passion for all things domestic: curtains, TV cozies, and, most certainly, kids. Yup. Miss lamar loves the kiddies. Aunt fphatty likes to do everything she can to make a little tyke’s life the tiniest bit better. Some adults feel it necessary to clutter up little minds with confusing nonsense they call “the truth.” Well, auntie fphatty is about to give you a leg up on all the other misled lads and lassies around you. I’ll clear your confusion up and tell you what reality is like. First of all, there is something to be afraid of. There are monsters under your bed, and they’re not just as afraid of you as you are of them. They’re big and hairy and hungry. Luckily though, if you swallow watermelon seeds, they won’t grow in you. And this will come as no surprise: eating your leafy greens doesn’t make you healthy and give you big muscles. All it gives you is the runs. Speaking of what’s inside of you, it’s not what’s on the inside that counts. You will be judged by external things your whole life; the better car, house and material possessions you have, the more respect you’ll get. A little piece of advice? Better watch that gut. The beautiful are treated the best. And yes, that pimple on your nose is noticeable. If you do end up with a mediocre exterior, watch out. Even if no one ever outright punches you in your ugly mug, words can indeed hurt you. In any case, in the face of confrontation, it doesn’t take a stronger person to walk away. Said walker is known as a “pussy.” Speaking of effort, trying your best just isn’t enough, and it's never the thought that counts. On that note, I’ll wrap things up. When it comes to gift-giving, no matter what your parents, Grandma, Uncle Ted or anyone says, everybody prefers an expensive present to some crappy card or ashtray you make yourself. By the way, Mommy and Daddy do fight because of you. And no, they won’t really love you no matter what.