FREAK FILMS: THE LEGEND OF THE 7 GOLDEN VAMPIRES

The biggest problem with mainstream cinema is its lack of kung fu vampire flicks. In fact, apart from the film The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires by Shaw Run Run and Shaw Run Me (better known as the Shaw Brothers) and Hammer Studios, I don't even think another one exists (please correct me if I'm wrong, as I would be severely missing out). The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires finds Van Helsing (smashingly portrayed by Peter Cushing) in China, where Dracula (played miserably by Liberace-wannabe Robert Hanna, who stepped in after Christopher Lee vowed to never play the character again) possesses the body of a Chinese man who hopes to enlist his help in resurrecting the 7 Golden Vampires, a group of toothy zombies dressed like partygoers at a Mardi Gras gala. Van Helsing meets a group of ass-kickers ready to defend their hometown of Ping Kwei from the impending undead horde that rise to assist the 7, and with his prissy son and a wealthy, brazen Nordic woman they set off for a date with damage control. Now with a concept that incredible, why don't we see more of it? Well, to answer my own question, partially responsible for this tragedy is Warner Bros., who refused the chance to distribute the film. Also responsible is Hammer's appointed director of the movie, Roy Ward Baker. Baker found the Shaw Brothers troublesome; like they wanted to have some say in their own movie. For example, Baker refused to let the Shaw Brothers direct the fighting scenes. Baker felt that they, having directed such martial arts cult classics as Five Deadly Venoms, couldn't possibly direct action scenes as well as he, a limey. The TKO? After collecting dust for five years, Dynamite Entertainment re-edited the movie for release in the US, absolutely and incomprehensibly fucking it up by putting each scene in chronological order (even though some of those scenes were flashbacks), destroying its already contrived plot (its only downfall). Most people have never seen this jewel to cannibalize its genius gene-spliced genre, much less to enjoy it. Thankfully, it has been re-released on DVD and VHS, so all you aspiring Jerry Bruckheimers should quickly steal this future cash cow idea while you can.