SNOOPY SNO-CONE MAKER OF THE GODS

Let’s pretend I opened a box of Cracker Jack and won the job of God. My first act as ruler of the universe would be to get the best night’s sleep ever. The next day, I’d make a few small changes. First, re-route over half of the Earth’s population to an M-class planet directly opposite the sun. Provide vegetation and caves for shelter, and keep the predators to a manageable size. Ship all fat cat politicians, war mongers, big business puppet lawyers, CEOs, Wall Street tycoons and ad executives over there. It has 10% less land than this planet, so they’ll have to use it wisely. Call it Earth 2, or something equally catchy. Let the ad execs get right to work on that. The remaining population of our Earth would consist of Green Party Libertarians, Mountain Freaks and Folks with Soul. Next, handle the maintenance like you would a computer: delete all the trash, nuclear weapons, guns, space junk, landfills and creepy plastic toys. Drag and drop this mistake right into the center of a very large black hole. Run a defrag program to repair the damage caused by strip mining, and triple the number of trees by ten. Grow hemp. Initiate an immediate moratorium on sprawl, and delete any abandoned automobiles and buildings over five stories. Replace rails with trails, and massive concrete jungles with smaller European style towns. Run the Norton Anti-Sewage program through every body of water, and get the oxygen scrubbers working overtime. Redistribute the wealth equally and get everyone busy building shelters, gathering food and learning how to live together again. Delete factories, prisons, sweat shops and Nike. Since we have to put prisoners someplace, Earth 2, you’re the winner! Finally, carve the New Golden Rule into the side of cliff faces on both planets, in letters 100 feet high: "REMEMBER." Do I sound a little high and mighty? Well, you’re half right. I’m smokin’ joe blow.