IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE XMAS...

...OF COURSE THAT DOESN'T MEAN SHIT IF YOU AREN'T A GENTILE.
Around this time every year, I get flooded with letters from my non-Christmas-celebrating brothers and sisters. They are curious as to why Christmas is so important a holiday. So I tell them. I educate them. What follows are a few examples of this educational correspondence:
LETTER ONE:
vinnie,
What’s the deal with egg nog?
Peace,
J. Frash, Newark, NJ
Egg nog is a popular yuletide beverage consisting of beaten eggs, milk, sugar and nutmeg. More often than not, it also contains whiskey, rum, or some other such alcoholic supplement. The beverage was boosted to its current popular holiday status because most Christians are alcoholics, and this is their holiday.


LETTER TWO:
vinnie,
Can I write Santa like my Gentile friends do?
Timmy Eisenberg, age 7
‘Fraid not, Timmy. Santa ignores your pleas, as well as the pleas of the poor and sick. Tough break.


LETTER THREE:
vinnie,
Are there any major motion pictures that can provide me with further insight to the ideals of this “Christmas” you so speak of?
M. Ufoso, Cleveland, OH
Oh yes, Mr. Ufoso. For starters, the timeless classic Miracle on 34th Street will provide you with a solid foundation of the romantic ideals of the holiday. Dudley Moore’s Santa Claus: The Movie is also good for this. For a more “common folk” interpretation, I recommend the second installment of the popular Die Hard series.


LETTER FOUR:
vinnie,
Will Chanukah and Kwanzaa ever receive the same recognition Christmas does?
Darryl B., Miami, FL
Yes. But only after six or seven years of good, solid bloodshed.